Get a Man as you would a Car. Top 5 Checks +1

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“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.” ― Françoise Sagan
There is something almost erotic thrilling about buying a car that gets you restless, overly eager to get behind the wheel… to determine how much speed will take you to where you need to be, when to leave the house, where to go, which route to take, what music to listen to and gosh how your car smells! The complete control of deciding these variables leaves one euphoric, breathless, even orgasmic. Ok, that’s going over the top. My point is, buying a car is one thing that signifies a level of accomplishment. If it is your first car….it is certain that sleep eludes you days before actual purchase.
In a typical Nigerian scene, the mother is running out in wrapper and rushing to molest rub, shout and anoint the new automobile while calling neighbors to witness how good papa God is andloudly shaming the devil on his failure to stop her child from buying a car. The father is majestically walking with a stick, looking to the skies, muttering ancestral sentences before breaking into a shout “my son, you shall be great; you have made me, your father, Mazi Ekene, proud”. Again, I digress.
So why do I say get your man as you would a car? Well here it is – it is because more often than not, you are going to be heavily invested in the new ‘liability’ and when the need arises for repairs, routine maintenance or selling – and trust me, it always comes up – no one is going to borrow you cash to fix your car or take it off you in a heartbeat. Unless your car is kabu-kabu a taxi that generates revenue for contingencies like these, you are going to shell out serious kudi; and if your man is kabu-kabu a taxi that generates revenue – emm, male ashewo in your employment, then by all means simply ensure his engine is solid and can pick up at any given time, T and you are good to go.
Now, whether you want to buy used or tear-rubber car, it is inevitable that you ask for information about cost, availability, car seller, car features among others. In no particular order, here are six things you need to check for before making that purchase.
I. BRAND NAME
Let me put it out there before we go further ‘Never allow another person buy a car for you without physically inspecting – especially if you are paying for it’. Everyone has an opinion of the best car for you – from the engine type, fuel consumption rate to suitability for your gender. If you are a woman looking to get a car, you will be lectured about cars *meant for women – when you see the cars, you will understand my irritation. Apparently, gender inequality has infiltrated into cars. But again, I digress.
Is the man in question a Toyota? Lexus? Jaguar? Lamborghini? Ford? Honda? Mazda? Audi? Kia? or our Innoson?
You have got to know what brand suits your personality. A colleague would rather be amputated than drive a Picanto. Know what type of man you want. Kind? Sensitive? Rugged? Smart? Funny? Creative? Hustler? Efficient? Dependable? Economical? Strong? Fast? Sophisticated? Of course there’s the combination of character/traits found in these cars as there is in men. Find the right mix for you. Don’t depend on third party recommendation or validation of the merits of a particular brand over another. Find the best combination and make an informed choice on the brand that suits your person.

2. MILEAGE AND ENGINE CAPACITY
So we have decided what brand you are most comfortable with but equally important is your budget. This largely determines if you are getting a new or used car. Getting a new car is like getting a new man with no encumbrances. You kick and it starts – usually, this is a new born male. Unless you are a pervert, a new born baby shouldn’t sexually excite you. In the case of getting a man, darling, he is a used good. Accept it. He is above 18? Then yes, he is used. Let’s talk used car.
You need to check how many kilometers it has covered. How far has he gone in his life? How old is he? Does the man have excess baggage? Married, Divorced with kids? Has a baby mama or a host of babies mamas? Does he have a career? Is he broke? Comfortable? Where is he financially? Is he emotionally matured and spiritually ready to kneel in prayers and not allow you carry that part of men’s cross that they conveniently hang on the woman’s neck?(for our religious audience). Is he a V4, V6 or a V8? What is the capacity of the engine and how sound is it? Is he fast? Economizes fuel? Does he have HIV/AIDS, Sickle Cell Anemia, Low Sperm Count, Diabetes?
And still on engine – you have to check his ‘garage’ to make sure he is parked well. You may have to use bed methodology if it is right for you. If it is not, you may have to take a verbal confirmation of soundness from the man and hope the ‘engine’ is in perfect working condition for the use you have in mind for it. Some ladies demand a test-run and others wait for matrimonial verification exercise – by all means you have to CHECK if he is working! Use your hand to measure by the planned touching or accidental brushing method. Is he long? Strong enough? Staying power of a horse? Rise and fall ability? This is the time to sample with eyes, hands or *clears throat.
You have to be sure he is sound and ready to serve you for a really LONG time. We don’t have the luxury of getting another car especially when we drive out of the car mart aka wedding venue. Oh well you can, but hopefully you don’t.

3. EXTERIOR AND INTERIOR
Some ladies may not mind a modest or ugly car interior or exterior but some of us do. A car is a car they say. I used to think so too. Not anymore. A car is not a car. You have to ascertain your man inside out. Is the man well put together? Ok plain English – does he look good? Smell good? Brush his teeth? Wash his socks? Air his shoes? Cuts his nails? Groom his beards? DOES HE BATH AND WASH down there???!! There is a level of being rugged that is sex appeal and then there another that is pure dirt…..unattractive and repulsive. He is clean on the inside? His thoughts always negative? A pessimist? A chauvinist? A beautiful mind? Brilliant? Ordinarily, the exterior can be fixed (usually expensive and with the cooperation of the man) but the interior is almost impossible. You may want to avoid unnecessary problems and sidestep men with interiors that need Jesus.

4. PAPERS AND REGISTRATION
If you don’t like those maroon and brown uniformed people and their demonic colleagues in white and black stopping you and collecting cash (legal or illegal), I suggest you get your papers in order. Does the car have custom clearing? A vehicle license, proof of ownership, road worthiness and permits, insurance certificate? Seller agreements? Are the car papers in your name?
You have to make sure you don’t go out and some chick walks up with gum in her pouted mouth, claiming your man. Avoid situations where you can’t go out with him or tell your family about him because he is married, not up to your ‘class’ or simply unavailable. Living on the edge may be thrilling and especially for cheaters enjoyable but nothing beats going out with that man confidently that he belongs to you.

5. FUEL CONSUMPTION, AIR CONDITIONING, AIR BAG, SOUND AND NAVIGATION SYSTEM
Usually, I don’t care if the car leaks fuel but there is no way I am using a car with no air conditioning. Minus the noise it cuts out when one is driving, there is a feeling of ease, rightness and contentment that air conditioning brings. You need to choose a man that brings peace, ease and comfort. A man that makes you feel comfortable in your own skin. A man that is affordable – what do I mean? He needs to be within the range of what you can afford financially and emotionally. Some men are emotionally expensive. They stretch your patience and ability to swallow shit and drink piss. Relationships are not supposed to be hard and one-sided. It is a give and take. If he is not emotionally available and financially low, you will be the fulcrum. Bills on you. Days of uncertainty all on you. Are you ready to be with him even if it is draining your pocket?
Air bag….hmmm, saves lives. I tell you the whole truth. Does the man give you a sense of security? Can he save you when you hit a rock? How secured are you with him? And ah yes! Sound….do you want a man that can keep a conversation or you would rather he is quiet and allows you do all the talking. Either ways, make sure he is right for your person. Navigation – He really needs to know where he is going sweetie. Yes, navigation systems in our cars here have issues taking you to the exact destination but sadly we know what’s responsible for that. It is one of two things, know where you are going to and take him there or make sure he knows where he is going and he takes you there. Our church people call it vision. Does he have a vision or he is just looking to follow the crowd? Ask him questions, observe his ways, study his decisions and determine if he is the right man for you.

6. SPARE PARTS AVAILABILITY AND RESELLING OPTION
So we agree that it is impossible to change a human being. But what if his spare parts are readily available? What if he is easy to change his mindset or decisions about issues that are negative and unproductive? What if he is one who listens and tries to reason with your suggestions? Hey! I am not saying push it down his throat madam I-too-know. Polite suggestions work best….yes, I happen to have that experience.
And in cases where you simply need a transition car, then you need to consider his reselling option. Can you dispose of him quickly or he is going to be hanging on your neck for years? Sometimes, when it is not working, it is best the cords are cut civilly. Don’t have an ex that just won’t leave the picture but keeps haunting you for the rest of your life! Make sure you are not tied down with a man that only takes up space in your garage. Like they say, nothing lasts forever.
Buy Get Smart, Drive for Miles.

P.S: I would love to have your comments….share your experiences on getting a new car and relate to what you want in your mate. Should be fun.

Have a great week!

Written by Uneñ Ameji. She is @UnenAmeji on twitter

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So you think you are the victim

Foreword: Just because you are female doesn’t make you the victim.

Last week, I posted IT IS A MAN’S WORLD: TAKE A FREE PISS 18+ and got mixed reactions. As is always the case with “gender-based articles”, it is regarded with contempt and often times a taboo on some levels as it is sensed as an attack on persona and long standing codes of conducts of the society. While I absolutely know that not all men are as described in that article, generality was not avoided because balls cancer is not confined to just the loins. If not discovered early and treated as a terminal, the whole body is at risk of shutting down its operations; not just the segmented body part_pun intended #couplesretreat.

I write these things not because these standpoints are the ideals nor do I disregard the societal values with no understanding of the codes of conduct but because I’d rather risk speaking my convictions than develop mouth odor swallow them. These issues are not in shades of white and black. One only tries to identify societal ills, analysis the imbalance and make feeble attempts at correcting them as if one can without force.
These are my Interests and my interests are my Values.

So you really think you are the Victim?

Saudi’s first female film director does not think so and so do I. Read her story here: http://www.npr.org/2013/09/12/221738137/saudi-s-first-female-film-director-says-women-aren-t-victims. I think this widespread misconception about being victims is responsible for the perpetually defeatist stance of women all over the world and also why some women take advantage of this to perpetrate evil, live atrocious and belligerent lives underlined with violence and outright disregard for propriety and responsibility. This school of thought feeds the myth that women are always on the receiving end. It would seem that this school of thought mentally instill fear sensors and negative awareness in women that summarily affects the way a woman sees herself and place in the society. This negative consciousness of being a victim emits inferiority complex and in some cases aggressiveness that does more harm than good. If indeed we are preaching equality, then we must preach it wholly; focusing on purpose, responsibility and contribution and not always playing “the men are out to destroy us and so we must always beware of their treacherous ways” track till it cracks.

I have heard countless times that the first sin you commit is being born a woman. Really? I certainly don’t subscribe to that. I be too much spiricoco believer to no say we ALL for done SIN tru Adam, so na we ALL dey wear dirty necklace enta dis we world so. And why is there a moronic dogmatic double standard when it comes to women abusers anyway? A woman slaps a man and it is the man’s fault. Actually, it is the man’s fault for keeping his face just as it is the woman’s fault for providing the soft cheeks….hehehe but seriously though, there is absolutely no excuse for a woman or man to abuse another human being whether you were goaded or not. Wait…..that sounds like I am never allowed to vent…..Is this the Long Sought Fruit of the Spirit? I certainly hope so.

A woman is a chronic flirt and it is the man’s fault. Maybe it is.A woman acts as a whore alias Biblical King James Version and she takes exception to been referred or treated as one. This reminds me of a female caller #call-in program on CoolFm a Radio station. She asserts that almost all Nigerian females are of the same cloth the female Nigerian BBA 2013 representative is cut from. While I vehemently take exception to this generality (don’t call me up on cervical cancer analogy here), I finally see the point. She is of the same cloth and as such cannot see more than her nose. My point? #feminists should fight for worthy causes and not fight the society for being women. Let’s face it, not all women need saving and definitely not all of them are victims.

It is not surprising to have women abusers. In fact I would go to the length of saying that they are twice as mean and heartless without a heart_pun intended. The society places women on huge pedestal and view them as fragile angels who can do no wrong and I think #feminists might have a lot to do with this truth distortion. Read http://www.avoiceformen.com/feminism/how-feminists-corrupt-dv-research/. It mentions that the overwhelming evidence in patriarchal dominance theory may be flawed. I add that researches and eye witness accounts show that partner violence in relationships, domination and control by women occurs as often as by men and is strongly associated with perpetration of abuse by both women and men. Although there are many causes of the persistence of the patriarchal dominance focus, the article reveals that the predominant cause has been the efforts of feminists to conceal, deny, and distort the evidence; #feminist researchers who have let their ideological commitments overrule their scientific commitments. The ideological commitment to the idea that men are almost always the sole perpetrator is the reason why there are readily available published data on male perpetrators and female victims; deliberately omitting data on female perpetrators and male victims. It has been said that this method of concealment and distortion is institutionalized in publications of governments, the United Nations, and the World Health Organization.

There are countless shelters for battered women, programs, initiatives and groups all clamoring for rights and protection of their interests as well as the “treatment programs” for male perpetrators. Since we are all singing the gender-equality anthem and taking the pledge of genderless society, we might as well promote shelters for battered men and treatment programs for female perpetrators. Please do let me know of an institution established to cater to abused men as I am yet to see one. I guess the men are too busy to get justice. Moreover, the issue of whether men will make use of these provisions is another thing #ego.

The constant uproar and brainwashing of the female gender into thinking that they are the bottom of barrels weaker sex does nothing but continuously erase forms of self-respect or value one might add. Always giving them a shoulder to cry on will never stop the plight of women. There! I said it. Every woman should come therefore to the realization of her position and not act as though she is constantly been smothered by men but harness her ability and her gender into a tool to living a meaningful life.
No, you are not a victim.
You are that human that has refused to get up say;
I am a woman
I am human
I am not the victim
I am the one that has just discovered who I am.

Recap of the major Headlines:

The madam versus housemaid wickedness

The wife versus husband abuse and violence

The stepmother versus stepchildren witch-hunt

The lady boss and spitefulness

The prostitute and her scapegoats

P.S: Do I say cheers to the freaking weekend? That has an Esetic ring to it. **winks**