About African Stories

African Stories is an online platform dedicated to promoting African writers and their works. We support writers.

New Listing! To Live Again by Ray Anyasi

Featured

tla large - Copy

Blurb: When crises broke in the tiny, crusty village of Gumau, Dami Koka and her colleagues found themselves lost in the vast savannah of northern Nigeria. Seeing her friends fall one after the other into the fatal hands of savage men and wild beasts, she began to rethink the essence of life – her life. But most importantly, if she must go back to her widowed mother in one piece, she must find a route to civilization before the beasts…and God knows what else find her.

About Author: Ray Anyasi is the author of several books which include; Ujasiri, Bloodline and This Town: a postcard of terror. His writing influence is majorly the extraordinary stories of ordinary people who have to confront monstrous challenges they do not orchestrate, yet must overcome. He is also a poet and has published a poetry collection, “Lines of Thoughts”, that includes the acclaimed Ogbanje. Anyasi has contributed articles severally to The Guardian Express and continues to partake in the global conversations that concerns political and social developments; his book, How to Terrorize Terrorism is one of such contributions. Fresh out of the University, Anyasi published his first book, A Poll of Vampires, a political crime thriller. Since then he has published over twenty titles. Anyasi is also a certified Copywriter and Content Developer. He currently works for Naphtali Publishers as Director of Publishing. His current hobbies are tending a backyard vegetable garden and engaging fans of his craft on social media. He is @RayAnyasi on twitter. He enjoys feedbacks. Write to him @ raynaphtali@yahoo.co.uk or visit his website: http://www.amazon.com/Ray-Anyasi/e/B009EVPRCC.
Lovely week!

41N+E4fvmGL._UY250_

51CM1A6QnDL._UY250_

91BRMlkj-hL._UX250_

Look! New Book “Dejected” by Ade Lero

Featured

DEJECTED
Hey guys!
Happy Valentine’s day!
African Stories is pleased to announce new book Dejected by Ade Lero.
Dejected tells the story of 3 men and their journey to drug addiction. Focusing on the causes of this derogatory act, Dejected tries to pinpoint the societies role in the journey of Most drug addicts.
Click for FREE Download!
https://adelero.wordpress.com/226-2/
He is @therealadelero on twitter

The Flowergate Open House: Santa is giving away luxurious homes!

Featured

(Abuja, Nigeria). From developers of top-class estates – Oasis Court, Fairview Court, Olympia Estate and The Oakville – Metrowest Ltd is pleased to announce its first Open House Week for its current housing development, The Flowergate. Since entry into the Abuja housing market in 2012, Metrowest Ltd has ensured prompt delivery of elegant and luxurious housing with appealing architectural designs in serene neighborhoods at competitive prices.

 

Metrowest Ltd invites all stakeholders – individuals, organizations and companies alike to the grand event, taking place Tuesday, December 8 – Sunday, December 13, 2015 at The Flowergate, Plot 236, Murtala Mohammed Way, (Near Apo Shoprite), Apo, Abuja.

The Flowergate, an exquisitely built housing development of 88 units, comprises of three house types. They are 5-Bedroom Detached, 4-Bedroom Semi-Detached and 4-Bedroom Terrace Houses built to contemporary design and standards. The estate’s infrastructure was designed, and is being built by a Spanish European company with 10-year guarantee.

Other facilities and services include perimeter fencing and paved drive/ walkways, sewage network and treatment plant, Abuja Electricity Company connection with dedicated transformers, storm water drainage network, 24-hour security stationing and patrol and comprehensive facility management service among others.

The 2015 Flowergate Open House Week will actively bring all stakeholders together and provide investors and home buyers the opportunity to make substantial investments, expand their networks and form business relationships.

This Open House Week also affords all buyers during the week the opportunity to be gifted with very valuable household items and enjoy amazing prices!

Be part of it! Refer a buyer and enjoy financial rewards. It is a win-win. Indeed Santa is in town.

For more information: Please call +234 818 7171 717, +234 803 2448 834 or +234 802 3154 893. Email: info@theflowergate.com.ng. Visit: http://www.theflowergate.com.ng

About Metrowest Ltd

Metrowest Limited is a leading property development company that provides premium accommodation solutions in Nigeria. It has developed first-rate residential estates in Lagos and Abuja. The company has orchestrated the development of more than 5 hectares residential estate in Abuja. For more information, please call +234 818 7171 717 or Visit http://www.theflowergate.com.ng/

 ###

All New Series! Two Lives and a Soul by Ojay Aito

Featured

Hey guys! New series “Two Lives and a Soul” by Ojay Aito now on African Stories. From the hilarious “Life of a Barrack Boy”, Ojay once again delivers a captivating yet fluid Nigeria story. “Two Lives and a Soul” is a story about…..let’s not let the cat out of the bag.. We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we did.

Two Lives and a Soul – Episode One
Tick-tock, tick-tock, I blinked twice as I stared at the table clock. Waiting. Waiting for it to come alive. Today, I just happened to be awake earlier than my alarm clock. Seated idly at my room desk, I traced the frame of the medieval time piece with my eyes. For the first time I imagined the scope of knowledge that had conceived the idea of creating a device that served two purposes. As the world grew older, innovations have led men to create devices that met more than one need. And after having read the Blue Ocean Strategy, it was easy for one to realize that such models have been long ingrained into the business world as well.
No, I’m neither into the whole hocus-pocus of the business world, nor into the scientific postulations of propagated theories. I’m just a twenty seven year old sales man, with a 1907 alarm clock as the only bequeathed property from my grandfather, a man I met before my brain could keep vivid memories. He died only a day to my christening. So my dad named me after him. His name was Eli.
As I held the tiny time device in the palm of my hand, my vision focused past the tiny fingers of the clock, unto the golden lining of its interior. But instead of seeing through the intricacies of the mechanism that make the tick-tock sound, as Hollywood would make us believe is possible, I saw something I had never seen in all the time I had this ‘priced’ possession. For the first time, I realized the golden lining had an inscription written inconspicuously along the circumference of the inner frame. Perhaps it was a farewell message that came from the design company.
My grandfather was a traveler, more like a pirate as I later grew to understand, so he had a few precious artifacts that had not a Naira’s worth in this day and on this side of the world.
It was just five minutes away from five o’clock when the tiny little knocker would come alive, hitting the two cones on its both sides; but before then I stood from my creaking flat wooden chair and moved towards the only source of light in the room with the metal device in my hands. I lifted it towards the dull white light, away from the thick shadows of the clothes by the wall. The inscription on the inside of the clock was guarded by the thick concave glass, which prevented me from tracing it with the tip my fingers. I thought about my grandfather for a sec. Johnny Depp in his thick pencil shadowed-eyes was the only well represented pirate I could imagine granddad looked like. Or was it the other way round?
As expected, the inscription wasn’t in English. Neither was it French, ‘cause I spoke both fluently. Didn’t look like Spanish or Portuguese either, thanks to the little exposure I got at Mary Hill, back in the day.
Was I the first to have noticed this? Well, I couldn’t think of anyone who had had it at this proximity for the past twenty two years. I tried again to read the statement. Although I never learnt about its history, I always thought of the alarm clock as a prize grandfather had won during his days of adventure. Except that right now, I thought of the possibility that it was, you know, a stolen piece, perhaps, not conspicuously missing from one of the Persian castles in the Middle East. Don’t blame me for that, blame the Pirates of the Caribbean for my weird imaginations.
I tried reading out the words which simply refused to make any sense still. It all of a sudden became a necessity that at least I tried to make some meaning to it, because I needed to be done with all of the distraction by the moment the alarm jolted on to life. That would be the start of my day, and to beat the traffic in a twenty first century Ambode Lagos, I couldn’t be at home by 5:30. Some of my colleagues at work insisted that if I only had to wake up by five in the morning, then I was one of the luckiest people in the city. Some of them had to leave their homes an hour before my wake up time. I sometimes wonder why they had to go home anyway. Anytime I thought about what they said, I profusely refused that my life should be anything worse than it already was. I believed there were those who had a choice of when to go to work, and I was sure they weren’t of a different human empirical nomenclature. Soon, someday, I would choose to wake by ten in the morning, and leave work say 11 that same morning, with my bank account looking like an international phone number. How about that for living in Lagos?
Aoys fun umendikayt ir gekumen, fun umendikayt ir vet tsurikkumen. I kept trying to pronounce the words as I moved away from the source of light, back towards the table. I dropped the time device on my rickety desk, as the seconds seemed to count down to my wake up time. I didn’t know why I just didn’t stop the alarm from going off, guess I was conditioned to hear it go off every day. As I moved away towards my mattress at the other corner of the room, I became conscious that the words I had read from the clock still clung to my tongue. At that point, I knew I had to shake it off vigorously. With the way my mind worked, my head could surprisingly keep nonsense information, and totally betray me when I had to remember vital data during the defense of a project at work. If I didn’t force it out, it could either become a song on my lips, or a cliché for greeting strangers on the street.
Umendikayt might just mean How do you do?
Tried as I may, the words still came off my lips one more time before the clock fingers finally struck five. The alarm came off hard and loud, like it beat right on my ear drums.
I moved towards the table clock and stuck my index finger between the tiny hammer and one of the bell cups. My finger vibrated somewhat, and I waited patiently for the time piece to stop its hammering but one minute after, the hammer still hit my finger at the same spot. I made a mental count of how long the alarm was suppose to last. With the speed of light, my mind spanned many years, even back to my days in boarding school. There was never a time it went this long. Two minutes, and it kept on with its vigorous hammering. And then the words came again. Before I knew it, I was speaking the unknown words out loud.
Aoys fun umendikayt ir gekumen, fun umendikayt ir vet tsurikkumen. Suddenly, I saw a dim shade of light haze out of the circumference of the clock’s frame. It shone brighter. And even brighter. And the vibration became harder, and even harder. The whole of my hand began to shake violently, till it spread through my entire body. I couldn’t pull out my finger from the device which now made the entire room glow with a fluorescent teal color. I screamed, but I wasn’t sure if my vocal cord was able to produce any sound, because I couldn’t hear a thing apart from the clock alarm which now seemed to beat from my chest.
The light from the table clock engulfed my whole body before I felt it finally disintegrate me into a million light particles.

****
I became aware of life again as I shook violently from my bed. I breathed heavily without opening my eyes, but I was glad that it was all a dream. It had to be a dream, however surreal it was, it was only a nightmare. I felt soaked in my sweat, the cotton bed sheet sticking to my back. There seemed to be so much light in my room, and I tried hard to recollect whether I went to sleep without turning out the light. Finally I slowly opened my ears, squinting a little to the brightness of the fluorescent light screwed to the ceiling of my room. Again, I was sure it seemed brighter than normal.
As I opened my eyes fully, I realized that people stood over by bed staring down at me on either side. I blinked a few times and opened my eyes wide. They were there. Strange people I have never met in my life. Four ladies and… a guy. All five of them were black save for the one who stood by my right arm. She was young, beautiful, and white, with deep blue eyes and a European nose. I looked from side to side without moving my head. I didn’t know anyone here. And I wanted to scream. The eldest of the ladies quickly put her hand on my left shoulder, and the softness of her palm immediately calmed me.
“Hello son,” she said with a smile.
Son? I thought about it. This wasn’t my mother. Her skin looked fairer like she hadn’t been under the sun for months, with fewer wrinkles than my mum’s. The tone of her voice sounded pleasant. Who were this people? And where was I? I wanted to ask, but the softness I felt from her touch was also in her voice.
Yes, I remember! I was supposed to be getting ready for work. But wasn’t that a dream? And where was I now? This wasn’t my room? And these people, who were they? Where am I? All five people that surrounded my bed had genuine smiles on their faces, and the beautiful white lady on my right side suddenly bent over and pressed a kiss on my cheek. It kinda hurt, but it felt good.
“Sam, I’m glad to have you back. Thought I lost you,” she said.
Sam? I am no Sam. My name is Eli, and who are you? Who are all these people? I wanted to sit up from the bed. I was late for work. But as I tried, the woman who called me son touched me again, and I simply let back my head onto a very soft pillow. A pillow? I didn’t have any pillow. I hate using pillows, but this was soft too. Very soft. My eyes slowly closed, and I said to myself. This is only another dream. A dreadful dream from a beautiful nightmare?
“Hey buggie,” the guy who was by the end of my bed called out to me. I looked up at him, and a strong force pulled me towards him. “Soon, you would be home, okay?” He had a smile that looked like mine. In fact, apart from his cornrows and the crucifix pendant on his chest, two things I didn’t possess, I would say he was my reflection.
Soon I would be home. But really, where was I? And who were these people?

About Ojay Aito
Ojay Aito is the writer of the popular Barrack Boy Series “Life of a Barrack Boy”. A Chemist, he has since vied into the literary world, writing for metro journals and working as a radio producer.
As he patiently awaits the publishing of his debut novel, he continues to chunk out numerous works of fiction mainly on his blog barrackboy.com and a few fiction sites within and outside the country.
Two Lives And A Soul is a story that breaks out of the boundary of contemporary Nigerian fiction and sets a different stage for readers who have no reservations for the yet unimaginable…
He tweets via @1Ojay on Twitter.

Get a Man as you would a Car. Top 5 Checks +1

Featured

“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.” ― Françoise Sagan
There is something almost erotic thrilling about buying a car that gets you restless, overly eager to get behind the wheel… to determine how much speed will take you to where you need to be, when to leave the house, where to go, which route to take, what music to listen to and gosh how your car smells! The complete control of deciding these variables leaves one euphoric, breathless, even orgasmic. Ok, that’s going over the top. My point is, buying a car is one thing that signifies a level of accomplishment. If it is your first car….it is certain that sleep eludes you days before actual purchase.
In a typical Nigerian scene, the mother is running out in wrapper and rushing to molest rub, shout and anoint the new automobile while calling neighbors to witness how good papa God is andloudly shaming the devil on his failure to stop her child from buying a car. The father is majestically walking with a stick, looking to the skies, muttering ancestral sentences before breaking into a shout “my son, you shall be great; you have made me, your father, Mazi Ekene, proud”. Again, I digress.
So why do I say get your man as you would a car? Well here it is – it is because more often than not, you are going to be heavily invested in the new ‘liability’ and when the need arises for repairs, routine maintenance or selling – and trust me, it always comes up – no one is going to borrow you cash to fix your car or take it off you in a heartbeat. Unless your car is kabu-kabu a taxi that generates revenue for contingencies like these, you are going to shell out serious kudi; and if your man is kabu-kabu a taxi that generates revenue – emm, male ashewo in your employment, then by all means simply ensure his engine is solid and can pick up at any given time, T and you are good to go.
Now, whether you want to buy used or tear-rubber car, it is inevitable that you ask for information about cost, availability, car seller, car features among others. In no particular order, here are six things you need to check for before making that purchase.
I. BRAND NAME
Let me put it out there before we go further ‘Never allow another person buy a car for you without physically inspecting – especially if you are paying for it’. Everyone has an opinion of the best car for you – from the engine type, fuel consumption rate to suitability for your gender. If you are a woman looking to get a car, you will be lectured about cars *meant for women – when you see the cars, you will understand my irritation. Apparently, gender inequality has infiltrated into cars. But again, I digress.
Is the man in question a Toyota? Lexus? Jaguar? Lamborghini? Ford? Honda? Mazda? Audi? Kia? or our Innoson?
You have got to know what brand suits your personality. A colleague would rather be amputated than drive a Picanto. Know what type of man you want. Kind? Sensitive? Rugged? Smart? Funny? Creative? Hustler? Efficient? Dependable? Economical? Strong? Fast? Sophisticated? Of course there’s the combination of character/traits found in these cars as there is in men. Find the right mix for you. Don’t depend on third party recommendation or validation of the merits of a particular brand over another. Find the best combination and make an informed choice on the brand that suits your person.

2. MILEAGE AND ENGINE CAPACITY
So we have decided what brand you are most comfortable with but equally important is your budget. This largely determines if you are getting a new or used car. Getting a new car is like getting a new man with no encumbrances. You kick and it starts – usually, this is a new born male. Unless you are a pervert, a new born baby shouldn’t sexually excite you. In the case of getting a man, darling, he is a used good. Accept it. He is above 18? Then yes, he is used. Let’s talk used car.
You need to check how many kilometers it has covered. How far has he gone in his life? How old is he? Does the man have excess baggage? Married, Divorced with kids? Has a baby mama or a host of babies mamas? Does he have a career? Is he broke? Comfortable? Where is he financially? Is he emotionally matured and spiritually ready to kneel in prayers and not allow you carry that part of men’s cross that they conveniently hang on the woman’s neck?(for our religious audience). Is he a V4, V6 or a V8? What is the capacity of the engine and how sound is it? Is he fast? Economizes fuel? Does he have HIV/AIDS, Sickle Cell Anemia, Low Sperm Count, Diabetes?
And still on engine – you have to check his ‘garage’ to make sure he is parked well. You may have to use bed methodology if it is right for you. If it is not, you may have to take a verbal confirmation of soundness from the man and hope the ‘engine’ is in perfect working condition for the use you have in mind for it. Some ladies demand a test-run and others wait for matrimonial verification exercise – by all means you have to CHECK if he is working! Use your hand to measure by the planned touching or accidental brushing method. Is he long? Strong enough? Staying power of a horse? Rise and fall ability? This is the time to sample with eyes, hands or *clears throat.
You have to be sure he is sound and ready to serve you for a really LONG time. We don’t have the luxury of getting another car especially when we drive out of the car mart aka wedding venue. Oh well you can, but hopefully you don’t.

3. EXTERIOR AND INTERIOR
Some ladies may not mind a modest or ugly car interior or exterior but some of us do. A car is a car they say. I used to think so too. Not anymore. A car is not a car. You have to ascertain your man inside out. Is the man well put together? Ok plain English – does he look good? Smell good? Brush his teeth? Wash his socks? Air his shoes? Cuts his nails? Groom his beards? DOES HE BATH AND WASH down there???!! There is a level of being rugged that is sex appeal and then there another that is pure dirt…..unattractive and repulsive. He is clean on the inside? His thoughts always negative? A pessimist? A chauvinist? A beautiful mind? Brilliant? Ordinarily, the exterior can be fixed (usually expensive and with the cooperation of the man) but the interior is almost impossible. You may want to avoid unnecessary problems and sidestep men with interiors that need Jesus.

4. PAPERS AND REGISTRATION
If you don’t like those maroon and brown uniformed people and their demonic colleagues in white and black stopping you and collecting cash (legal or illegal), I suggest you get your papers in order. Does the car have custom clearing? A vehicle license, proof of ownership, road worthiness and permits, insurance certificate? Seller agreements? Are the car papers in your name?
You have to make sure you don’t go out and some chick walks up with gum in her pouted mouth, claiming your man. Avoid situations where you can’t go out with him or tell your family about him because he is married, not up to your ‘class’ or simply unavailable. Living on the edge may be thrilling and especially for cheaters enjoyable but nothing beats going out with that man confidently that he belongs to you.

5. FUEL CONSUMPTION, AIR CONDITIONING, AIR BAG, SOUND AND NAVIGATION SYSTEM
Usually, I don’t care if the car leaks fuel but there is no way I am using a car with no air conditioning. Minus the noise it cuts out when one is driving, there is a feeling of ease, rightness and contentment that air conditioning brings. You need to choose a man that brings peace, ease and comfort. A man that makes you feel comfortable in your own skin. A man that is affordable – what do I mean? He needs to be within the range of what you can afford financially and emotionally. Some men are emotionally expensive. They stretch your patience and ability to swallow shit and drink piss. Relationships are not supposed to be hard and one-sided. It is a give and take. If he is not emotionally available and financially low, you will be the fulcrum. Bills on you. Days of uncertainty all on you. Are you ready to be with him even if it is draining your pocket?
Air bag….hmmm, saves lives. I tell you the whole truth. Does the man give you a sense of security? Can he save you when you hit a rock? How secured are you with him? And ah yes! Sound….do you want a man that can keep a conversation or you would rather he is quiet and allows you do all the talking. Either ways, make sure he is right for your person. Navigation – He really needs to know where he is going sweetie. Yes, navigation systems in our cars here have issues taking you to the exact destination but sadly we know what’s responsible for that. It is one of two things, know where you are going to and take him there or make sure he knows where he is going and he takes you there. Our church people call it vision. Does he have a vision or he is just looking to follow the crowd? Ask him questions, observe his ways, study his decisions and determine if he is the right man for you.

6. SPARE PARTS AVAILABILITY AND RESELLING OPTION
So we agree that it is impossible to change a human being. But what if his spare parts are readily available? What if he is easy to change his mindset or decisions about issues that are negative and unproductive? What if he is one who listens and tries to reason with your suggestions? Hey! I am not saying push it down his throat madam I-too-know. Polite suggestions work best….yes, I happen to have that experience.
And in cases where you simply need a transition car, then you need to consider his reselling option. Can you dispose of him quickly or he is going to be hanging on your neck for years? Sometimes, when it is not working, it is best the cords are cut civilly. Don’t have an ex that just won’t leave the picture but keeps haunting you for the rest of your life! Make sure you are not tied down with a man that only takes up space in your garage. Like they say, nothing lasts forever.
Buy Get Smart, Drive for Miles.

P.S: I would love to have your comments….share your experiences on getting a new car and relate to what you want in your mate. Should be fun.

Have a great week!

Written by Uneñ Ameji. She is @UnenAmeji on twitter

10 Types of 30-Year-Old Single Guys By Tim Urban

Featured

30-year-old guys are a curious bunch.

Find me a group of 30-year-old men and I’ll pick out one overgrown frat dude living with roommates, another guy who just dropped his two kids off at school, a few who are well into their careers and a couple soul-searchers looking for work. Some will tell you that they’ve finally figured it all out and some more will say they feel hopeless for the first time in their lives. It’s a motley crew.

But perhaps the motliest part of this crowd is the ever-growing group of 30-year-old single guys. If you want a case study in humanity, 30-year-old single guys have pretty much all the bases covered. Let’s examine some of the common types:


1) The Total Package

total package
The Total Package is smart—he went to a top college. The Total Package is an athlete, a musician, and an avid traveler. The Total Package is handsome—and you better believe he’s well-groomed.
The Total Package has a hell of a career going, but don’t you for a second suggest that The Total Package would be a workaholic—The Total Package is a family man.

There’s just one thing The Total Package seems to be having a hard time finding—a girl worthy of his greatness.

Yes, the woman fit for The Total Package will be the ultimate icing on his cake of perfection. He imagines her often—gorgeous as they come, she turns heads; bursting with charm and charisma, she lights up every room she enters; she’s a brilliant rising star in her career and beloved by her many friends. And that’s just her public persona—at home, she’s fantastic in bed, a spectacular cook, loving, selfless, and devoted. Oh and she also speaks French, plays tennis, sings beautifully, reads voraciously and she’s a history buff. His Juliet.

Unsurprisingly, The Total Package is single. He’s immersed in a fierce battle between his superhuman standards and his terror of being 40 and single—because 40 and single is not supposed to be part of The Total Package’s story.

2) The New Lease On Life Guy

lease on life

As long as anyone can remember, The New Lease On Life Guy had been dating his longterm girlfriend. He never seemed that happy in the relationship, but everyone just assumed they would eventually get married. Now, after a long and difficult breakup, The New Lease On Life Guy has reemerged with a bang and is suddenly acting like he just got called down on The Price Is Right. He’s not really sure how to be single but he’s goddamn happy he is, and he’s sure as hell going out tonight.

He’s also the arch-nemesis of The Resigned Fiance, who’s in an equally unhappy relationship but just kind of kept going with it, unable to resist the sweet, sweet inertia, and who most certainly does not want to hear about The New Lease On Life Guy’s latest exploits.


3) The Guy Who Has To Marry Someone Of The Same Ethnicity Or His Parents Will Never Speak To Him Again

ethnicity

It’s hard enough finding someone to be your life partner, and this guy’s parents are really not making things any easier. He tried to rebel briefly, but after his last girlfriend was not allowed in his parents’ house, causing her to cry, he gave up on that.

He’d also really appreciate it if his mother would stop setting him up on dates.


4) The Misogynist

misogynist

The Misogynist hates women, and women hate The Misogynist. The Misogynist doesn’t know a whole lot about the other gender, but he can tell you the exact number of them he’s slept with—214.

He did quite well with girls back in his earlier days when many were in their attracted to assholes phase, but lately, only those with the lowest self-esteem seem to gravitate towards him.

The Misogynist’s close cousin is The Perpetual Cheater. They’re different but they understand each other.


5) The Guy Who Peaked Too Early

peaked early

Back in the day, The Guy Who Peaked Too Early had everything a 17-year-old girl could ever dream of. His sky-high confidence carried him smoothly through college, and no one was surprised when he landed a smart, sweet, beautiful girlfriend in his early 20s. But The Guy Who Peaked Too Early was just getting started. There was a field that needed to be played, and he broke up with his girlfriend when he was 24.

Now it’s seven years later, his hair got bored and left, and his high school lacrosse glory isn’t part of the conversation that much these days. And he’s noticing that girls like his ex-girlfriend don’t seem to be all that into him anymore. Realizing this about five years after everyone else, he takes a deep sigh and cranks his standards down a few big notches.

6) The Guy Who’s Finally a Good Catch

Finally a Good Catch

On the other side of the coin, after losing some weight, getting decent clothes, and having early career success, The Guy Who’s Finally a Good Catch is getting more attention each week than he got in his first 25 years combined. Girls find it endearing that such an appealing guy has managed to maintain his humility, when it’s actually just that he’s assuming every girl is out of his league at all times.

Once his new situation starts to sink in, he enters an unfortunate new phase, stressing his male friends out by doing things like winking at them over the shoulder of a girl he’s dancing with and offering them a fist pound when an attractive girl walks by on the street.

7) The Normal Guy Who Just Hasn’t Met The Right Girl Yet And He Really Wishes People Would Stop Looking At Him With Those Pitying Eyes

 normal guy

Ah, The NGWJHMTRGYAHRWPWSLAHWTPE. The NGWJHMTRGYAHRWPWSLAHWTPE is enjoying his life. He likes his job, he likes his friends, and he likes being single just fine. He’s in no rush to be in a relationship and feels totally confident that at some point, he’ll meet the right girl and get married.

He’s also not quite sure why everyone who knows him is trying to figure out “what the problem is.” His parents are worried, never wasting an opportunity to ask him if he’s been dating anyone. His friends want to help, setting him up on dates every chance they get. He appreciates all the unsolicited support, but he also thinks it would be pretty great if everyone stopped thinking there was something wrong with him.


8) The Aggressively Online Dating Guy Who Can’t Believe He’s Not Married Yet

can't believe not married

The opposite of the previous guy, The Aggressively Online Dating Guy Who Can’t Believe He’s Not Married Yet can’t believe he’s not married yet. Through high school, college and his twenties, he was always The Guy With A Girlfriend. He spent years enjoying pitying his single friends, and somehow, he’s now 30 and single.

He has four online dating profiles, and when people ask him if he’s dating anyone, he explains that he’s just too busy with his career right now for a relationship.

9) The In-The-Closet Guy

in the closet

The In-The-Closet Guy is so close to being the perfect catch—he’s handsome, he’s well-dressed, and he has a great job. He’s funny, articulate, and charming. The only tiny little inconvenience is that he’s not attracted to females whatsoever.

His antithesis is The NGWJHMTRGYAHRWPWSLAHWTPE, who’s had just enough of the theories about him being gay, since he’s completely straight and, for the hundredth time, just hasn’t met the right girl yet and is really very okay with being single right now.


10) The Guy Who Has Just Fully Quit At This Point

quit

The Guy Who Has Just Fully Quit At This Point never tried that hard in the first place, but at least there used to be a semblance of effort. He doesn’t like going to bars, refuses to try online dating, and both the bong and the X-Box are back in the living room following their brief stint in the closet after his friend gave him a pep talk one day four months ago.

Deep down, The Guy Who Has Just Fully Quit At This Point is pretty frightened about a lot of things, but his fear manifests itself in indifferent denial, and passivity usually prevails. There is only one way that things change for The Guy Who Has Just Fully Quit At This Point, and that’s to find himself squarely in the sights of The Girl Who Relentlessly Pursues. Until then, the whole thing isn’t really his issue.

*******

This article was first published on WaitButWhy.Com. Check out other great articles there.