Crush or Love? Episode XI

aspergers-love

Funke Dayo
The moment I opened my eyes to see Emeka staring down at me, I thought I was dead and sat right up. The cold dried air in the lush white room licked at my exposed arms; my skin spouting Goosebumps. The sunlight sneaked in through the slightly opened window furnished with bright yellowish cotton curtain, gradually dispelling looming darkness and dizziness that shielded my eyes. My heavy eyes finally rested on the form in front of me and I saw him smile before noticing for the first time the drip that was dangling from my sudden movement. I tried to speak but my dried throat fought to stay shut. I looked at him, questions lining my expression.
“You are alive, in a hospital and I have been stationed here for 2 days” he said, putting up a brave smile and tracing his hands on mine. I nodded slowly, going on reminisce and like a slap, the images of U.D’s body lying on the floor had my eyes opening in wide alarm. I forced my throat opened.
“U.D” I called, the thought loud in my head but my voice coming out in nothing but rasp whisper. I looked around, desperate for strength. Has Bassey buried him? How did I get here? What was Emeka doing here? And Bassey? My thoughts ran round in circles.

The scrapping metallic door announced the entrance of a white uniformed Nurse with spilling bosom who marched past Emeka and reprimanded him for starting a conversation when I had not fully recovered. Taking out another syringe, she filled it with another dose of liquid and injected the drip. Once more, I fought for control to stay awake; albeit it was impossible.
I sank slowly into another sleep and praying that I open my eyes one more time.

****

Emeka Douglass
The wait at the large gate was getting ridiculous and I was about driving back home when I first noticed the commotion coming from the house that Funke had driven into less than an hour ago. The shout coming from a man on the front steps in the large compound spelt trouble and I moved closer. Few minutes later, the bodies began rolling out. I rushed to the large see-through gate and noticed the stretcher containing her body lift off the ground and into the stationed Ambulance. My heart missed a beat and I rushed to my car to follow the convoy that sped from the house.
The drive to the hospital was fast and I stuck to the Ambulance in rather hot pursuit, praying that she was not dead. I rejected the thought and cautioned my wild mind from forming scenarios.
“What is going on here” I asked the man removing the bodies from the Ambulance after slamming my brakes and jumping out of my car in the almost empty car park at a private clinic.
“Who are you?” he asked as another man joined him. He looked like the man who was on the front steps.
“What is going on here Joshua?” The man asked as the bodies were rolled to the emergency ward.
I followed.
“Who are you?” he asked as an old Doctor appeared in the reception.
“I am her brother” I lied through my teeth and without thinking too. The man stilled and I spotted a shift in his demure.
“What happened Bassey?” the Doctor asked in a hurry. It would seem as if they knew each other.
“I don’t know. Idris and I saw syringes in the room” he informed as the old Doctor rushed on with the bodies.
Soon, a hoard of Doctors and Nurses descended on the two bodies that was rolled into the emergency ward and I stood, still in shock. Syringes? Was Funke into drugs now? I paced, keeping my eyes on the prickly Mr. Bassey who kept asking if Funke was alright and responding to treatment. The closed-mouthed Nurse said nothing and went back into the emergency ward.
It would be another gruesome 3 hours wait before the Doctor-who had addressed Mr. Bassey earlier-emerged. We stood in union as he announced the good news. Both were ‘stabilized’ but were in dire critical situation.
“They both had large traces of Pentothal and Pavulon in their system but it was a good safe bringing them in as at the time you did. U.D has a yet to be identified substance, maybe Neostigmine, but we are not absolutely sure. However, we flushed them with Saline solution and they are both responding to treatment. The lady’s recovery rate is slower, Is she asthmatic?” he looked at me with the question and I nodded in affirmation. Funke was asthmatic.
“Your brother will survive but we hope the untraceable substance will not be fatal. Both are under observation” he announced sadly as he held Mr. Bassey’s shoulder who stood with a forlorn expression; probably trying hard to mask his emotions.
“Please, I’d like a private room for my sister” I intersected, still playing the brother card. The Doctor simply nodded and signaled the Nurse who left to make that happen. Soon she was transferred and I sat beside her with heavy heart, wondering how these substances had found their way into her system in less than an hour. I wanted to be by her side when she opened her eyes because I wanted to prove myself to her. Moreover, something wasn’t right about the extra attention Mr Bassey paid to her earlier. Perhaps I was jealous that he fussed about her, constantly asking about her well-being and if she was regaining consciousness was annoying as well as suspicious. I had lost my nerve and had quietly told him to stay off her right before planting myself in her room. I had left her before and lost her. I wasn’t going to do that again.

****
Bassey Odiete
And the unexplainable had happened.
Both of them had survived but in critical condition. How possible was that? They had stopped breathing for Christ sakes!
And I had the new big brother to deal with. I couldn’t go in to suffocate the duo. Doctor Osas had a Nurse stationed in U.D’s room just as Dad had requested from China. I paced and wondered where I had gone wrong and stopped in mid steps. I should not have brought them as at the time I did! I should have let the substances cool in their systems….but why did U.D mix the lethal injection without the Potassium Chloride? That was the deadliest and was the ace card in ensuring instant death from an induced cardiac arrest. He had been fixated on lethal injections and the man that had survived it a while back and had jokingly acquired it for a test on our Neighbor’s dog but never carried it out. Or so he told me. I didn’t see the dog after a while and the bottles containing the trio separately had disappeared. He claimed to have gotten rid of it. Now I knew he had never gotten rid it and I was the ultimate animal. The thought flamed me some more.
I wasn’t the best of persons but he had absolutely no right to kill me or plant an injection nevertheless in my throat over a fine piece of ass. I swallowed and strolled out to take a drag. I decided to take a drive and clear my head. While I was relieved that I didn’t have deaths on my hands, I wondered what the future held……if they lived. I smoked some more. I found myself parking my car in Vicky’s multi-tenanted parking lot and rang her door bell. She appeared eagerly at the door and dragged me in. I needed the comfort and she did comfort me indeed.
It would be early hours of the morning before I would wake up to an irritable ringing phone. It was from the hospital.
“Hello Mr Bassey, please your attention is needed at the hospital” the crisp voice informed me. I knew that the worst had happened. U.D was dead.
But it was not to be.
“We can’t find U.D” it was Doctor Osas in his night shirt and large round glasses perched on his slightly slanted nose.
“What do you mean you can’t find him?” I asked, both bewildered and angry at the same time.
“I was informed that the Nurse stepped out to relieve her bowels and she came back to an empty room” he answered calmly.
“Great!” I threw up my hands in frustration and chuckled in exasperation. The old Doctor studied me.
“And the CCTV footage?” I asked, rubbing at my groggy eyes.
“There is no feed” he said with a straight face. I belched another sarcastic laugh as I walked out of the hospital but not before informing him of the termination of his job as the Odiete’s personal physician.
“My father is going to have your license and close down this porous lab you call a hospital” I threatened as I walked out and got behind my wheels before blindly driving to Sage’s house. I had to lay low for the next days. Whatever the case might be, U.D was alive and I had the uncanny feeling he was coming to get me.
I drove off, afraid yet bold.
This was not in any way over yet!
****
U.D Odiete
I opened my eyes just in time to see the small build of a Nurse take her leave. The past events still blurry but the strength to pull out the needles and ventilator was fueled by the need to complete what I had started. Bassey wasn’t going to go free. I struggled off the bed and held on to the bed rails to steady my legs. As if I had known, I had taken the anti-dote to the injection before charging into his room; betting that he would over power me and inject me. He had done exactly that.
Stumbling into the laundry room after I managed to walk noiselessly on the quiet hallway, I changed into the next available uniform and crawled out of the building through the back door that opened to the Generator House. Just then, the alarm started whining and I knew they had discovered that I was missing. My heart palpitating because of the side effect of the drug and the fear of discovery, I stilled and waited; leaning against the wall column while the alarm continued in close distance. I calmed myself and decided to inch closer to the gate but I stopped short of running into a security guard who was probably out to get the best security guard of the year award. He ran past and I dragged myself to the Hilux parked at perimeter closest to the gate and pulled myself up just as I saw more security guards come out for a full compound search. Climbing into the back, I laid down and pulled the trampoline over my head as the full search began in earnest.

Bassey’s voice loomed as he drove roughly into the compound and jumped out of his car without killing his engine. Careful, I climbed down and ran over to his car, opened the boot from the control point at the front seat and climbed into his boot in good time. Minutes later, I saw him storm out and enter the car. Cursing and chuckling with disgust, he pulled out of the parking lot and we drove out of the hospital together.
I had plans.

****
Funke Dayo
I woke up to stare at the white P.O.P ceiling and I felt his eyes on me. I avoided his gaze and found myself swallowing the tears that threatened to fall from my eyelids. I had woken up sometime during the day and looked around bleakly before I noticed him sleeping in great discomfort on the small couch just few meters from my bed. My heart went out to him. He opened his eyes as if he felt my eyes on him and I closed mine immediately, pretending to be fast asleep. He shifted his weight right before standing up to cross the few meters separating us.
Sitting down on the chair stationed permanently beside the bed, I felt his gaze on me and consequently felt his hand brushed my hair off my face. He stood up again to arrange the bed cloth before planting a light airy kiss on my forehead. He sat down and dropped his face in his palms before whispering a prayer I was unfortunate to hear.
“God, please, if You are still there, let her live. Let her live. Give me one more chance to do her right. Please, I cannot afford to lose her again. Please” he said in hushed prayer and I saw what looked like his shoulders shaking in silent sobs. I closed my eyes as the memories of the past washed through me.

It had been a day after I was taken to the hospital by an unknown person and had woken up to the tiny whitewashed school clinic. The dingy lit room smelt of an awful mixture of sick urine, vomit and Izal disinfectant, the hot steady air suffocating me and hungry mosquitoes singing in my ears. The room containing about sixteen beds with occupants was lit with a lantern and despite the opened windows, we shared the mixed hot breaths of each other. I turned to face the wall and wept. I wept for the trust that was broken, the baby I had lost and the pain of betrayal. I stilled as I heard footsteps enter the room.
“Miss Funke” it was a male voice. I wiped my eyes and turned to face a young male doctor.
“Yes?” I answered quietly.
“How do you feel?” he asked coming close with a slim Nurse on his heels.
“I am okay” I braved, when in actual fact I wanted to go hide in a cave and never come out.
“Do you feel pains on your abdomen?” he asked coming close.
“Just a little” I lied. I still felt cramps but the shame of what I knew had happened wouldn’t allow me volunteer information.
“Glad you feel better” he said displaying a down-to-earth smile. I nodded and avoided their eyes.
“You are really a lucky girl” he continued after a while after the plain faced Nurse took my vitals and left the room. I tensed as he sat down.
“So you were brought here by a good Samaritan” he said looking at me as if he waited for me to grow horns. I simply stared on.
“Abortion is not the only way you know” he continued. My eyes watered. How do I tell him that I wanted the baby so much I had dreams of her sucking on my breasts? Or that I freely gave myself to a man I thought was my soul mate?
“The damage of taking that unalterable solution is incomprehensible. The hemorrhage was contained in time but we had to carry out an evacuation immediately” he said studying my expression. Without any thought, tears flowed down my eyes freely and I didn’t try to control it.
“You will be okay” he said now sympathetic. I nodded and he left shortly afterwards. I drained eyes all day and night.
Everything happened as a blur after that. The visits from friends I had ignored because they warned me insistently of the dangers of throwing caution to the wind, the friends I never knew I had and the kind doctor who came daily to make sure I was recovering as I should. I was discharged and life of course continued; without a womb.
“Good Morning” he greeted.
“Good Morning” I replied tersely.
“How do you feel?” he asked sitting up.
“I am okay” I replied without turning to face him.
“I am so sorry” he said as if he knew what I was thinking about.
“Yes, you should be” I answered stonily.
“Let me make it up to you” he said softly, eyes hopeful.
“How?” I asked, my heart missing a beat.
“Marry me, I promise you I will spend the rest of my life making you happy” he said, eyes dancing, looking at me, willing me to say yes.
“I can’t Emeka”
“Why?” he wailed, dismayed.
“I can’t have children” I announced and it looked like I had punched him in the face.
“Oh my God! Oh my God!!” he said burying his face in his hands once more.
“It’s fine. No, it is not fine, but I have learnt to live with it” I said bravely while I bled at heart.
“I must marry you now. There is no alternative” he said, kneeling down and grabbing my hand.
“Don’t” I begged him now. I knew I was emotionally weak and was on the verge of saying yes.
“Please”
“I am betrothed to another” I finally found an excuse.
“Who?”
“U.D”
“He has gone missing”
And my world came crashing down. What did he mean? Was he dead? Where did he go? Had Bassey succeeded in hiding his body? So many questions and yet no answer.
“What do you mean he has gone missing?” I asked, alarmed.
“He is not in his room, nowhere on premises” he announced, still on his knees.
“Please, sit” I said, trying to sit up. He helped.
“What happened?” I asked with difficulty. My mouth suddenly dry and throat itchy.
“I really don’t have the details but the alarm went off a night ago and he was reported missing” he was saying as the metallic door scrapped again and the fresh face of Bisi appeared.
I broke into smiles as she hurried to my bed and enveloped me in a bear hug. The Doctor and someone who looked like the Mr Odiete entered.
“How are you feeling now?” it was Bisi.
“I am okay” I smiled as my eyes focused on the man.
“That is a relief” it was the Doctor.
“Why did you inject my son with poison?” the man asked with a stoic expression and I found my tongue clinging to the roof of my mouth as all eyes rested on me to answer the question that was probably on everybody’s mind. It was time to tell them what I knew but the absurdity of it all took a toll on me.
I broke out in cold sweat.

****

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My Oga Down Below

ogadown

100% Nigerian Humor from Home of Humor
If we cant make you Laugh….Then you have very strong village People

Today will be the last of Uncle Stephen’s humor stories on AfricanLoveStories.Com. Kindly vote him for the Best Humor Blog for the NBA! Here is the link Nigerian Blog Awards.Nigerian Blog Awards Click and Vote for The Home of Humor Stories in the category of the Best Humor Blog! Voila, you are done. Do support!
Enjoy

****
I have actually not written in a while not of my own making,
But NYSC is over and I’ve been trekking the streets of Lagos,
Submitting my C.V everywhere possible,
I can bet that even that office where you work has a copy of my CV.
Please, if you come across it,
Kindly inform your Oga at the Top to please
Help your man out.
Thanks and God bless

Anyways as usual my story goes way back
(Nollywood classic olden days flute begins to play)
To a time in the university, when I was popularly known as MC Stevo, and ma phone always used to ring with calls to anchor shows.

I had gotten a phone call from an upcoming crew in school,to anchor their clothing line Launch party.
The party was making headlines in the entire school,Cos the concept and mouth wen the boys put inside the thing plenty gaan.
Very Few red carpet parties where holding in school, and this was going to be the first of its kind,
With the Glitz and glamour of paparazzi and models.

They even went through a hellova time selecting the red carpet anchors.
Me sef, wen go anchor the main event, dem book hotel room for me
And even gave me their custom T-shirts, that I would have to wear that day.
Nice….

Mobilization and publicity, na die.
I got phone calls from female friends in neighboring schools,
Who told me they had been invited and would be around for the party.
Omo mein, all in all this was going to be a blast. I had to be on my best.

No time the D-Day reached.
Rain started falling
Rain fall fall fall fall ooooooooooooooooooooo
We begin fear.
Party wen suppose start by 6pm
Delay till about 8pm
But I like young people.
That rain was on its own
The general mindset was one of:
If thunder like make e dey strike inside the party venue
E go dey fire us as we dey rock.
We must dey there…..
As they still trooped in, in their numbers

If you see crowd eh! Jisox!!!
My Horny school boys can’t fit to dull
When dem don hear say convoy of babes dey come from all the neighboring schools
And with 1:7 Girl Boy ratio in my school,
This was that sea of babes,
A lot of boys had been praying would flow through the school
So they could cast their Setting P nets to catch their kote, Titus, Croker or whatever kind of fishes the Sea goddess would bless them with today.

The babes,
Both the Internal and External ones….them no gree at all
The designers of all this their millimini gowns eh! Only god go judge them
Ahn ahn!
Den they wee now wear all these tops with bra’s wen go come package the bobby like can coke
Choi!!!!!!
Men go dey look mineral dem no fit drink…. #sad.

But all in all you get the general idea,
The Red carpet started in earnest and all of a sudden,
It Seemed everybody just returned from jand, see accent everywhere.
(nodding)Dat one sef dey.

In an hour it was my turn to coordinate things
I was introduced to the crowd,
Amidst cheers and girls tearing their shirt and throwing undies at me
And begging me to sign in hinterland places on their bodies (“stevo sign here sign here please”)
Yeah!! I know bad belle! Na lie! Mtchewwww
But trust me people shout sha

I got on stage,
Looked at the crowd,
Choi! See babes everywhere….. I mean there were boys there too but c’mon na
Na the babes a straight nigga like me go see na

I gave the best Performance of my Life that Night
Cracked all the joke for this life
One babe fell down from her seat and was clutching her stomach
And for my mind am like “correct!!!! Market dey move”.
The event was going well
But you know boys na
Anything wen dey happen for party no be their concern
Only one section concerns them

DANCE DANCE DANCE

I kept the atmosphere alive, buoyed and prepped the girls
For the defining moment of the party
Even taunted them, that they could not handle the boys here….
All the taunting suppose be play o
Until I see babes they shift seats go side dey clear space for dance dance dance
Chineke!!!!!

Sharperly Dance Dance dance started
Choi!!
The babes were on fire
Very minimal forming, and since they greatly outnumbered the boys and were from another school.
I guess they travelled down to just give it hot to my school boys
See rocking everywhere….

Normally,
I have a system, a principle of sort.
Whenever I anchor an event like this and it goes very well
I usually just sit at a corner and watch the dance dance happen
Whilst sipping something, since it is a personal rule for me not to drink on the job
But omo today, that principle na for my pocket
These girls carry me
“ehen! Mc make I rock u small” na wetin u go hear
And before u know, person wen say e wan rock me “small”
don hook me for wall, dey grind me like fresh pepper….
And like say na wrestling, before 5mins another one wearing a far shorter gown
Than whoever I was dancing with before go shake the other one hand, enter the grinding ring.

E no easy o
When you’re under such enormous amount of rocking induced duress,
It’s difficult to tell your Oga down below not to react
It all of a sudden starts pointing upwards
And if the source is not removed quickly everyone would see it happen.

One babe wan rock my soul sotay
Reaction bin wan start
I had to be thinking of our savior.
How he was flooged, how he was crucified, how he cried, how he took my sins away
Even dey hum sober Christian music for my head if it will allow my oga to remain at his normal place.
And seriously it works. Tested and trusted. You can try it.

At a point I could not take it anymore I wrested myself off the hands of the current grinding machine and made towards the door slowly,
Blending in with the crowd and hoping no one would catch me again
I needed to rest mein, I was exhausted and needed a drink
I don almost reach the door
When I heard “steve are you leaving, we’ve not danced na”
I wanted to turn and rudely reject the dance offer
When I turned back and saw

Jisox!!!!!!!
The girl set abeg
Mapoyakakak talalala mfrinto ( yes! E reach to speak in tongues)
Her eyes were just out of this world
Very pretty young lady like this, clad in of course a microMINI gown
Nice curves, and just forget mein the girl make sense
How me, wen bin wan vex before begin smile, I still cant fathom
But I managed to explain to her that I wanted to go for a drink
And that she should join me.
She put her hands inside my own and as we dey waka e dey like I win world cup

To cut Long story short
I was flirting with the girl
And she was flirting back
We did not return inside the party hall
Dis one wen I dey for outside here pass whatever I could get in there.

1-2 buckle my shoe d babe don dey my Lap
We just dey talk funny, dey laugh, drink don dey enta eye….

Normally, I don’t pick up girls too from a show based on principle
But this particular night, I was like omo mein let me just go with the flow and
Before I know, we don dey waka go the room wen doz organizer boys book for me
And as I put my hand inside my pocket to bring out the keys
I couldn’t find it
I cursed out Loud because I knew what had happened

During all the grinding one of the organizer boys asked for my key under the guise that
He wanted to safeguard something in my room
And me wen dem don collect all ma sense with rocking
I just free the sharp guy key
Now he was in there, blocking dis my paroles
Guess tonight was not my night.

So na so we dey o,
Entered inside for some small rocking
Came out went to one corner of the venue and sat there
Sha sha I stole some kisses
And since we could not proceed any further we exchanged phone no’s
In the hope of continuing in a much more conducive atmosphere **winks**

I had the feeling all that happened that night could be blamed on the alcohol
But with the way we continued flowing over the phone, and with a promise that
She would visit the next weekend….
I sha was hopeful…..

Friday The next week: The Deal Day
She arrived safely in the evening….
We went to eismann fries to hang out with my guys
Amidst them teasing me about how this night na die
“Stevo the man for the job”
“Stevo the great fisherman”
“Stevo, Mr. all night Long”
“Stevo the Oga at the top” (lol they did not say that obviously…..)
Give or take in a few hours…
We were prepared to go home
I noticed she did not drink much that night sha…..
But anyway na way…….

We got home….

(GHEN GHEN)

Na me first enter go baff
Cleanse maself in preparation for the ceremony ahead
Came out looking all fresh and clean
By then too she had unloaded all those their bags them dey kari come….
Entered the bathroom too to have her bath
Me just lie down for bed as a gentleman turn face the other side
Make e no dey like I dey rush sha…….lol!

I Had entered the bathroom after Stephen had got out
I peeped through a hole in the bathroom door
There he was on the bed
All smiles, and spread out in anticipation of a great night ahead
I still had not decided if to fufill his dreams or just outrightly dull him.
I took my time to undress
Showered for what seemed ages until I knew he would start getting uneasy
With the amount of drinks and dancing tonight
It would be expected that fatigue would get to him with all this my time wasting in the bathroom
But once more I looked through the door
And he was eyes were wide opened like those lions in NATGEOWILD wating for their prey.
At a point he could not bear it anymore and he called “honey are u okay, in there”
I just reeled in laughter….kai! boys eh!
I must suffer him a little……

Which kain dirty baff dis girl dey baff sef
She dey wash trailer?
Make she do come outside na……..
Hope she’s sha not dead
“Honey are u okay in there” I asked
And her lovely voice responded “all correct sir”

SHE STEPPED OUT!!!!
Lets first start from the fragrance dat filled the air
Gave my room this kind of dreamy feel, like I was in a fantasy
And then on to the nightie
No need to describe am my people, just know that It was intended to cause maximum brain injury
It took me a lot to comport myself aswear
Cause at a point my mouth was open

U need to See how he was looking at me with open mouth
I had achieved my intentions
Tempt the hell out of this boy
Stars, where beginning to build up in his eyes, different fantasies of the would-be tonight
I had my own plans for him too though
So I quietly went to the bed
Laid down beside him and faced him encouraging him to say
The exact words I knew he would say

“wow your beautiful” I said to her
And she smiled with those her beautiful eyes dimming a little
In acknowledgment of the compliment
“thanks” she said, “but did you really think so before now?”
Ehen! Babes, dey can like dis thing eh! See question
I had to pick my words carefully,
I had to combine the right amount of water and bimbo detergent to ensure the washing was successful
“of course, I have always known so, but you see it seems like the perfect thing to say this moment.
looking you in your sparkling and enchanting eyes and having you this close to me,Just makes me want to say it over and over again all night long”

Shebi u sef feel that line na…….. (hi five joor, she dey craze drycleaner like me? She never see washing)

“Wait so this is the pefect time? Or is it just because I’m lying on your bed in a nightie?”
if you see the big spit wen I swallow, am sure she noticed, dis girl wan make life hard sha.. WTF mehn!
“ I actually think it’s the perfect time cos dat day at the show my tots wia not so organized and stuff
But now I’m beholding you again, I just had to voice it out, that’s what make this time a perfect time(I say make I switch topic sharperly) and about the nightie
I really really like it, it’s really cute on you”

Wen I think say e don finish she cleared her throat and was like
“oh! So it’s the nightie you like not me eh?”
Now this was just outrightly annoying
I go begin write jamb again after I don get admission?
But all week over the phone before coming here
Na she dey ginger my spirit since, so why this kind of dulling all of a sudden
Anyways this is the drill I just gast follow through

“c’mon now honey, the only reason I even remotely like the nightie is because you are wearing it
Am sure it would be far less admirable if someone else not as beautiful as you are did wear it, I like you a lot
, plenty, much,numerously,uncountably, you’ve been at the center of my thoughts all week and every single day has been counting down to
This day when I’ll eventually see you. I’m happy you are here, so I can get to know you better and understand why I’m falling
For you the way I am.”

(abeg try clap for me, abeg! I suppose open church see preaching…. If that one no work
Then obviously my village people are at work again, or what do u think…abi?)

She went silent and just kept looking at me for about 5mins and I was wondering what she was thinking
The washing work abi e no work…………

Stephen, very funny boy
I could see the rising frustration on his face with each of my questions
Am sure if not for God he would have maybe broken my head…..LOL
But he was just a gentleman, responding to every single one of my questions
In that sweet way that makes a girl feel like the entire 9planets revolve around her…
I saw the way his eyes looked longingly at my nightie
I had chosen this one out especially…cos of its tantalizing effect
After his response to my nightie question, with that long poetic line
I kept a straight face and just kept looking straight at him….
LWKMD4H
He struggled to maintain a straight face, but I could obviously see the
“abeg wetin dis girl dey think sef” thought showing occasionally on his face….
This was a true test of patience……
I wanted to see how far he could go.
After about 5mins I smiled…..

5mins later she smiled
And said “that was just so sweet”
I took the cue to mean that was a go ahead…..
I moved a little closer and continued saying plenty other sweet sweet things
Abi na sweet things she want…… she must get diabetes this night…
She kept up with the smile…..
And I kept inching closer aiming for that kiss….**winks**

Small small
D distance between the lips don dey reduce
Den I angled my face a little ready to dive into the kiss….
And just as my lips landed on her face
she moved back a little and said
“steve your rushing things, slow down a little,like you said, tonight lets get to know each other better at least before anything happens”

S M. H

“I know most boys are football fans, so what is your favourite club?”

No way!
No no no
This was a deliberate attempt….this girl know wetin she dey do….
She wan frustrate my life…… but Tufia! Dat aint happening
Long story short I was a nice guy
No rushing for this life
My middle name na patience
I kept answering her….. “ I like Chelsea and u?” (although no be with my mind I ansa dat question oh..LOL)

Favourite Club?
Wia did I think of that sef…..but dat was enough to test his patience
D boy don tire for me by now
But he kept answering questions……
Although with obvious frustration sha
I decided to end his suffering temporarily sha!
I held his face and gave him a kiss at the point he was answering what his best food was…..

Well I don’t really have a best food my best food is………….
Omo see kiss!! Chileke! I wanted to pause and wonder for a minute why the kiss was comin now
But mein no time to check time
I mean, I can wonder very very well when we are done with every….
The girl lips soft abeg
Slowly I carry my hand go back, while opening one of my eyes to see if she go wan move back
But she held me tighter……choi! See Jackpot oh!
My hand began to move places
Begin dey grab, dey touch things, dey kiss things, dey turn up and down
One minute I dey up
Next one I dey down
I just dey everywhere….east, west, north and especially south…….
Nightie don dey short more more……..
With no single resistance from her own end……
Nightie off, my boxers in an unknown location in the room, given the force I flung It away with
When the thing don dey wan turn obstruction to my happiness…lol
So in a few minutes….. na adam and eve na him dey d room
Everything was heading towards **coughs**
When all of a sudden……

The real….
GHEN GHEN
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN (ACTION time must dey my story na!!! I dey mad?)

BAD BOY, Stephen
he was in full control of the situation and I was merely at his mercy enjoying every bit of it
turning me left and right
probing and prying delicate areas of my body
letting throes of passionate sounds escape my mouth.

it Was all goin well till I was losing my breath a little
I tried to adjust myself a little but still…..
I could not breathe properly…..
I think I knew what was happening……
After almost months of it not surfacing?
I was having another asthma attack

She started coughing, and wheezing,
The devil in me was like abi dis girl don start again
C’mon na not at this point wen my oga don ready to log in into the nscdc website
But on closer examination of her face….
I saw the genuine and intense struggle to take in air……
Her breathing became faster and more labored
Panic struck me as I quickly realized this was an asthma attack…

Whatever medical knowledge I had in me was coming to light
Cos if this girl die here…….
Newspaper will read

“student kills student with nothing but love making”

Nobody go hear say, we neva even start anything……
So my priority here was to ensure she stayed alive
I quickly opened all my windows and doors to ensure there was enough air in the room
And I proceeded to search her bag for an inhaler…..
But as I was doin that, the labored look on her face told me the obvious
Which was that she did not have one as she had not expected it to happen

KAI I DON DIE…..so dis is how I went to prison finally…..
Because of rubbish
My oga below dropped instantly
Panic seized me, she was now seriously gasping for air
And in all my adamic nature, I was confused as to what to do next
When I remembered that the caretaker of our lodge…. ONYEOMA…

He Was a go to person…. He lived in- house…at the lowest floor while I lived at the topmost floor
Of the lodge…… he just had this funny way of having whatever you needed at hand.
Boys in d lodge used to tease him dat if someone wanted a human head….onyeoma must have
And so I was just convinced he would have an inhaler….
So with my ordinary nyash because I was too confused to even find my boxers
And my lodgemates seein me naked as against a dying girl…. My choice was obvious
I dashed out, flying steps in a bid to get to onyeoma’s room before the girl died….

I don comot say make I piss!….. na y i no dey like to drink star…piss piss every minute….
Even for this midnight….. I know knw d fool wen still dey play dis kain loud music
Abi if I go there now go talk….dem go say ONYEOMA wahala too much…..
As I comot for my door…. I hear person dey run come from upstairs…..
All dis foolish boys for dis lodge only God know wia dem dey run dey go…..
I waka go near the step say make I see who be that….wen I see one naked mad man dey run wan come catch me….
Chileke!
I tear race……… dey run go my room
As I dey run, the mad man dey call my name…..dey talk say onyeoma onyeoma no fear na me…..
Na you who? No time to ask, na make I reach my room carry my cutlass, scatter him head be my own
As I enter my room…… wan go where my cutlass dey…d mad man dive me come hold ma hand…..
Heiiiiiiii!!!! I shout

As I got close to the step I saw onyeoma and he took off
Wouldn’t blame him, much , with darkness and a young naked man running towards you,
We would all have the same general reflex response
I chased him immediately towards his room
Flew at him, grabbed his hands and managed to muffle the scream he was about to let out….plus whoever was playing the loud music also helped my case!
I calmed him down….. and managed to explain my predicament to him……
He could not stop Laughing… after he realized what had happened….
So you wan use dis ting he said pointing towards my down below kee d girl abi…..
“onyeoma abeg we go laugh later….just give me inhaler abeg or follow me go upstairs”

Just like I thought…..
He had an inhaler
What he was keeping one for I still don’t know
But long and short of it,
We both went upstairs, the babe was almost immobile when we got there
Or so she looked because I was panic stricken…..
Onyeoma took over from there…..
His eyes widened as he looked at her body, he turned and looked at me too as if to say “kai so na wetin u wan enjoy b4 devil punish u be dis? “
He started Applying the inhaler, and generally helping her recover
He was so good at it….
I just sat at one corner……. Watching the proceedings and praying that she recovered

After some minutes,
She slept off….
Onyeoma left me with the inhaler, some good laughs, and a promise not to tell anyone….
Even while she was sleeping
My mind no dey at rest at all
Once in a while during the night because I could not sleep
I go still go check her body, see whether she dey breathe….
Morning no gree come…
We come get longer night shorter day……

When she woke up,
The next morning
She was looking better and as if nothing happened
But omo mein….once beaten hundred times shy….
I managed to convince her to go home and see a doctor
Since she said it had not happened in a while……….
The girl no wan go sha
Dey form she wanna spend time with me………
The devil is a liar…abi una know……

She left……
I laid on my bed….
Thinking of what would have been
Thinking of how I would have been an ex-convict
Thinking of how na so all my engineering pursuit for end…..
Thanking God for saving my life
For his goodness and mercies
Promising myself never to bring a girl home again ( eh! I know say na wash….but relax na part of the thinking process)
Whew!
Close shave
And while I was thinking of all this things
An sms entered my phone, it was from her
It read

“Stephen, am really sorry, about how things went yesterday night, your a really cool guy and I like you a lot,
Your funny and wonderful to be with…its just unfortunate things went the way they went last night….. I promise
Next weekend I’ll come over and I’ll make it up to you….cross my heart…..TCCIC xoXO”

Hian
see me see wahala o
We dey talk d one wen happen d babe dey cross heart say she go do another one…..
This my village people sef eh! They were hell bent on ruining me…..
I kept looking at the phone
And all I could think of was “the devil is a liar” not again mein not again…..
Baby better uncross that your heart.
Cos if I try it again, the newspaper headline would be something like

“Student kills fellow student with his Oga Down Below”

Dazall

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Your favourite,
Uncle Stephen
steveekeng@gmail.com

No Heart Feelings. Episode III

NHF-IMAGE-450x260
Luiz Benicio sprang up from his bed like a mad man. The loud banging he had just heard in his dream turned out to be actual loud banging on the door of his hotel suite. Someone outside was screaming for him to open the door. He guided himself in the direction of the sitting room in a dazed stagger, knocking a few things to the floor on his way. His head hung on him like a heavy bag of water, unstable and throbbing. His eyes were not his; they felt like the eyes that attacked him whenever he was drunk to stupor.
“OPEN THE DOOR!”
The banging had now turned to attempts to break into the suite and Luiz made it to the door just in time. He turned the key and a familiar man burst in, elbow first and almost falling, but he steadied himself and jerked Luiz by the collar of his t-shirt.
“Where is my sister?!”
Luiz stared back, still in his daze. His eyes could hardly bring the form of the man before him into one piece.
“You’re drunk!” The man shoved him aside and marched towards the bedroom. Luiz staggered after him and stopped at entrance to hold the doorframe for support.
“Ariya!” the man dashed to the bed, lifting up Luiz’s wife who was soaked in what seemed to be blood. “Ariya!” the man shouted again.
From where Luiz stood, he wasn’t sure if his wife was alive but the blood brought him to full queasiness.
“Look what you’re done to my sister, you Brazilian maggot!”
“Ato…” Luiz began to say to the man but he couldn’t go on. His head swirled in large and small circles and he could hardly make himself stand, but his thought process was beginning to come together.
Ariya…
What happened to her? Why was there so much blood? What had happened to him? What was going on?
Ato was now screaming things, laying out threats at Luiz, as he tried to get pregnant Ariya off the bed. Suddenly, three men barged into the suite. Two were in white uniforms or it could have been grey or yellow, Luiz could not tell. The third man was dressed in plain clothes and he stood tall; Luiz thought he looked like a tree.
“My sister called me not long ago and said this bastard husband of hers had beaten her!” Ato, in tears, said to the tall man. “How do you beat a pregnant woman?! She is six months pregnant for God’s sake! Is that how you do in Brazil?!”
Luiz shook his head. Had he heard well? He beat Ariya? His Ariya? The only woman he ever truly loved? No, something was wrong.
“I have to rush her to the hospital,” Ato announced.
“The police have arrived,” the tall man informed him.
“Yes, I called them before I came. Please, let them have this bastard arrested! He is going nowhere! He thinks this is Rio! This is Naija o, my guy! You go waste for prison! Idiot! Murderer!”
Then Ato ventured off in pidgin. It was one language Ariya tried teaching Luiz severally but he was poor with languages. English was still an uphill battle for him sometimes.
“Mr. Benicio, please come with us.” The tall man laid a hand on Luiz but Luiz pushed him off.
“No!”
“Mr. Benicio, please do not fight me. It is my job as manager of this hotel to find out what really happened before I hand you over to the police. Please, follow me to my office.”
Luiz who had been leaning on the doorpost tried to put himself in a solid stand but he stumbled and almost came crashing down, had one of the uniformed men not held him up.
“Ari…” he whispered, looking at his wife.
“Let’s go.”
Luiz felt himself being harried out of the hotel suite. He couldn’t protest. He couldn’t say a word. His head had never felt so messed up. He didn’t recall taking any serious amount of alcohol; it was only a bottle of wine after his quarrel with Ariya.
Why then was he so drunk? He was certain something was wrong somewhere.
The moment the door to the suite shut, Ato let go of his sister and got off the bed. His clothes and hands were soaked in blood and he picked a towel nearby to clean himself. His sister moaned beside him, her face a full picture of agony. Ato observed her carefully.
“Chi-chi, ya tafi,” Ato said to her in Hausa, almost laughing. “He’s gone. You can stop acting now.”
“I’m not acting!” she almost bit his head off as she went into full obscenities in Hausa.
“Calm down,” he said gently. “How’s it doing you?”
“I’m in serious pain here! I was telling Toshiba when he came to rub this disgusting chicken blood that I was in pain but he refused to listen to me! I need to get to a hospital, Ato! Now!”
“Haba, Chi-chi. You can’t be in labor na. You still have three months.”
His sister jerked him close and lifted her nightgown to reveal a bloody mess streaming from between her legs. Ato’s laughing face in an instant turned to one of panic and he tried to help her off the bed but she pushed him away and struggled up. She walked a few paces on her own and stumbled. Ato caught held her in his arms just as the one she had called Toshiba walked in.
He was a tall guy with the face of an angel but underneath he was Machiavellian, a ruthless con man.
“Wetin dey happen?” Toshiba asked in a guttural tone.
“Abeg help me carry her go hospital. She dey bleed.”
Toshiba’s brows came together in worry as he bent to take Ariya from Ato.
“Make I pursue dis Luiz case,” Ato said, walking out. “Abeg, keep me informed.”
Toshiba carried Ariya up in strong arms but he was gentle with her. She muttered something he couldn’t hear but he responded as he rushed her out of the suite. She kept muttering the same thing and he kept responding until they got into an elevator at the end of a long hallway. Under the yellow lights of the elevator, he looked into her face, into waning eyes that were trying hard to focus on him.
“You’ll be fine. Just hold on, Mine.”
It had been long he had called her that. Mine was his pet name for her back when it was just two of them and the world was a trouble-free place. She was his then and he loved her. He still loved her, even though she loved someone else now. Toshiba felt the ache of that betrayal upon his heart but he buried it.
He looked down into her eyes and he saw them close up.
“Mine?” He shook her in panic and she came alive again, still moving her lips. His eyes stayed on them and his ears finally caught the whisper they sent out. She was repeating a name over and over and it wasn’t hard to miss now.
She was calling the name of the man she loved…
Jimi.
********
Luiz Benicio had no idea what type of trouble he was in. His was still dizzy on his journey to the police station and he dozed off at some point. When he arrived he couldn’t comprehend a word of anything that was said or even see clearly his environment. All he wanted was a nice, warm bed to sleep in. He thought of Ariya but she would have to wait until he woke up. It was all a bad dream he told himself as he curled up on the filthy cell floor that stank of urine and teemed with all sorts of unnamed organisms. Luiz smiled as he drifted away. Yes, everything was going to be fine when he woke up.
********
“WAKE UP!”
A splash of cold water hit Luiz and he jolted up, speaking in Portuguese. He stumbled a bit but he steadied himself immediately and cleaned the water off his face to have a good look at the person who dared assault him in that manner.
Another splash of water brought out cusses from his mouth and he charged towards the policeman in front of him without thinking. This resulted in blow in his face inflicted by something wooden and hard. Luiz screamed out in pain and stumbled backwards.
“If dem born your papa well, come again! Muntulla! You think say dis na Brazil.”
Luiz felt blood gush from his nose. He tried to lift his t-shirt to his face but found that he was without one. His straight fit chinos was gone as well and he was left in his boxers alone. He couldn’t remember when all this had happened. Last he recalled, he was downing a glass of wine at the hotel to ward off the anger of fighting with Ariya and…
Ariya!
He turned to the policeman who was speaking in pidgin.
“My wife! Where’s my wife, Ariya? How I get here? What happened to my wife?”
The policeman laughed and shook his head before he walked out. Luiz went after him in full confusion but the cell door was slammed in his face.
“What is this going on?!” He banged at the door.
“What I do?! Tell me, policia! Hey!”
No one answered or attended to Luiz. He was left there until noon the next day. Luckily for him, he wasn’t given the full Nigerian police treatment. Upon request from the powers concerned, he was allowed stay in that one filthy cell alone, fed only Gala and sachet water. Luiz was about to learn that Warri was a long way from Rio de Janeiro.
********
Ariya or Chi-chi or otherwise known as Marie, left listless eyes on a fruitless mango tree before her. It was situated just outside the gates of the hospital where she had just emerged. Standing with a polythene bag of drugs in her hand, she was waiting for a cab to come by but the tree had captivated her.
The night was dark and the sky lay moonless. Black forms jumped into her mind from the shadows. She felt as though something was watching her from the thickness of the mango tree or from the darkness around her.
But she knew it was nothing other than her reproving conscience. Sometimes she wished she could just reach in, yank it out of her, cast it into a voracious flame and walk away while it burned.
But then she would have cast her heart away too, the one that had invaded her and without her doing, nurtured itself for three years. It was sitting in the center of her soul, protected by measly shreds of all that was once simple and good in her.
Outside that core, roamed blackness and the facade that she truly was.
A certain pain tugged at her heart but she pushed it away and made plans in her head. In the next three days, she would be out of the country for good. She had succeeded in her final scam, the one that was going to put her out of the map. Everything was set. It was supposed to be perfect with the baby but now he was gone. Her hand subconsciously ventured to her tummy and she felt the emptiness of his absence. Now she was going to face her life alone. She shuddered and the pain in her heart returned. As much as she had been a loner and drifter most of her adult life, she wasn’t yet ready for solitude.
Then she felt it coming at her without warning. A full rush of memories from her recent past attacked her, bringing Jimi’s and Kiki’s faces to her mind. Like a pregnant woman experiencing timed contractions, these memories had been invading her for months and she always did away with them but now she was under their hold and there was nothing she could do but cave beneath their weight.
Tears began down her cheeks and she started a slow walk by the pavement of the half-busy street beside her. Her body racked in violent sobs but she walked on until a car pulled up by her side.
“Mine?”
She heard Toshiba’s voice and she stopped.
********
Luiz Benicio couldn’t believe all he just heard. He stared in confusion into the face of the lawyer before him.
Charged for attempted murder and oil fraud?
He could go to jail for more than fifteen years here in Nigeria?
NÃO! He screamed in his head. Why wasn’t anyone listening to him? He did not hurt Ariya! There was no way in hell he could have. And he wasn’t drunk! He had only a glass of wine and went off to sleep! No, something was wrong! Someone was setting him up and it was the same person that drugged him. Was it Ato? Or…Ariya? Had it all been a scam from the beginning? He shook his head. It couldn’t have been. Ariya loved him. It was written all over her; in the way she kissed him and made love, in her eyes, her words, her touch… she was carrying his baby, for heaven’s sake. No, Ariya couldn’t have been a lie.
He shook his head again and said out loud, “NÃO!”
He was perspiring profusely and the kind-hearted lawyer with the sympathetic smile handed him a handkerchief to mop his face. He was very close to tears but he held back. There was no way he was going to cry in front of a woman. But he wished he could…just let out the steam of his present tribulations. What sort of mess had he ventured into? How was he going to get himself out?
He couldn’t call home. His father would not listen to him. No one back in Brazil would. He was a rogue son and disgrace to his family.
The lawyer yawned and leaned back on her chair. She was tired. It was dark already. She was now used to his deep thoughts that ended up in verbal proclamations made in Portuguese. She allowed him go into another as she adjusted her ash colored suit and the white chiffon blouse beneath which was held at the cleavage by a yellow and green diamond brooch given to her by her best friend. The interrogation room was hot and she sweated buckets beneath the blouse.
“Mr. Benicio?” she called as she saw Luiz staring emptily at her. But he made no response. He was gone again.
Luiz heard the lawyer call but it could have been a dove cooing outside for all he cared. The image of Ariya was still on his mind. He didn’t believe she conned him.
Eight months ago, they met on an exclusive dating site that required a thousand dollars to register. Ariya was the first to catch his eyes with her gap-tooth and sunny smile. Luiz had a thing for African women, being dark-skinned himself. From childhood he had dreams of getting married to an African who would take him back to his roots. Ariya was the perfect woman for him. They started off with harmless chats via BBM and got bolder by sharing pictures and heartfelt emails. In no time, he trusted her and couldn’t hide anything from her and it seemed she kept no secrets too. She told him she was an orphan with a brother who was an oil marketer living in the oil city of Warri. She didn’t seem like the gold-digger type looking to make money off a foreigner. Luiz felt she was perfect for him.
He told her about some ten million dollars in his keeping and how previous attempts to do business with Russian oil marketers online had left him fifty thousand dollars less. Now, he wanted something done under the radar. He claimed it was money stolen from his father, a popular wealthy oil tycoon in Brazil. It had been a risk finding a way to put all the money into an offshore account but he got someone in Sao Paulo to do it for him. His next step was to invest it in oil to fetch him more money and leave no trace leading back to the original funds. Ariya told him Nigerians specialized in such underground deals and her brother could help.
But Luiz wasn’t ready yet. There was still heat around him over the missing money. He needed to throw all suspicions off him. Ariya was a good distraction. He invited her to Brazil and she readily honored his invitation. They lived together in a beautiful countryside called Santa Catarina with Luiz’s grandmother. There he popped the question and married her. Two days after their wedding they commenced on their honeymoon, beginning a tour around Asia that lasted three months and brought them back to Europe, Cyprus being their final destination, before Luiz made his first visit to Nigeria.
It was straight into business for him as he got into Warri. He was introduced to Ato, who in turn, hooked him up with the necessary people needed for a successful oil trade. Ato told Luiz that running an underground oil business in Nigeria was all about paying the right money into the right hands. Hence, Luiz paid through his teeth but didn’t mind because he was assured that his investment was secure. He was taken to see where his merchandise was loaded at the docks, ready for shipment; he also had the privileged of meeting with whom he was told was the minister of petroleum resources late one night in his office in Abuja and they spoke at length. With that, Luiz let his fears rest, paid up his balance to the marketers in millions of dollars and made plans to enjoy the last two days of a two week long break with Ariya.
He was crazy about her. She was his light, the break of dawn in his dark life, and theirs was a marriage of pure bliss filled with laughter and void of quarrels. Ariya was nothing like the sassy Brazilian girls he knew back home. She was always happy and full of positive energy, which was why he found it strange that she picked up an unnecessary fight with him on the day of his arrest. It had to do with some joke he made about Nigerian women being too loud. Ariya went off on him in a manner he had not seen before and pressed his buttons until he responded in the same vein. Afterwards, he apologized but she ignored him and went to bed. He remembered he had a bottle of wine he had popped from the morning resting in the fridge. He filled a glass, careful not to take too much. He had a past with alcohol. Any little annoying situation could get him drinking to stupor.
He gulped down the glass of wine with restraint and dozed off.
But then he woke up to a nightmare which didn’t end, that was getting more horrific by the moment.
The lawyer sighed. A long, drawn sigh that sounded like a yawn.
“Mr. Benicio, are you ready to listen to me now? I have a solution for you,” she stated and he sat up.
She had already laid out to him that the Nigerian police did business in a different way. They weren’t going to let him call his embassy because of his scrupulous oil deals with a certain group of fraudulent men that had been on their Most Wanted list. Luiz had tried to prove that his business was not so illegitimate; it was just under the radar and he had documents as proof in addition to evidence of a registered oil company in Brazil. The lawyer had waved him off and reiterated that as long as he had gotten involved with the men in question, he was done for. The police wanted a signed confession about the deal, so as to nail everything on him because his accomplices where now off the grid, leaving him alone to face the backhand of the law.
“Here’s what is on ground now,” the lawyer was presently saying as Luiz wiped pouring sweat off his face. “The police will drop all charges and let you get on the next flight to Brazil for a certain amount.”
Luiz drew closer. He didn’t care what the police were asking for. He had a good sum of money in his account and he was willing to empty it and get away from Nigeria as fast as he could, not minding the loss of the millions even though it hurt him to death. The stink of the cell and the mosquitoes and betrayal of Ariya were worst torture at that moment.
“Quanto?” he asked the lawyer. “How much?”
“Fifty thousand dollars.”
Luiz shut his eyes. It was all he had in his account.
“They take thirty?” he asked. “I give thirty.”
The lawyer shook her head as she stood up.
“Forty!” he was desperate.
She thought about it. “Okay, I’ll make them collect forty but you pay me five.”
Luiz held her hand in his. “Obrigado muito. Thank you very much. Thank you.”
She nodded and walked to the door but he called her back. She turned.
“Ariya? I see Ariya, please?”
“Não. Go home,” the lawyer said and walked out.
********
Marie was all cried out and done with her emotions. Now she sat in Ato’s hideout—a completed house in a yet-to-be inhabited estate—consuming a bowl of goat peppersoup as Ato and Toshiba drank to the success of their scam. It was a big risk venturing into a long con but Ato trusted Marie’s abilities to rope in any mark she dug her claws into. Being a big time handler, connected to a wider cartel with connections extending outside Nigeria, Ato played his part by involving the necessary people that made the scam all come together. The success of it all was going to take him to a level amongst the big boys in the business and to Marie, he was grateful.
“Udo, you don finish?” Marie turned a lazy eye towards her best friend who was hunched over her laptop in a serious face. Her discarded grey suit and yellow and green diamond brooch lay on the floor beside her. A white chifon blouse was cast on the arm rest of the plastic chair she was sitting on, leaving her with just a bra covering ample breasts that jiggled with each movement of her hands. Udoka was responsible for all their online scams, transactions and creation of fake government and oil company websites. She had a first degree in computer programming but dropped off the job market to follow her boyfriend, Ato into fraud.
“Done!” she raised her hands off the laptop. All payouts were completed, from the tithes paid to the bosses at the top, to the other small men involved, down to Marie herself who was the roper. Ato nodded in pride and winked at his sister but she stared back vacantly, tearing at a piece of goat meat. He saw the look of dissatisfaction in her eyes but before he could ask her why, she sat up.
“I’ll be leaving in three days but I need your help for one last job.”
Toshiba frowned. He felt Marie was pushing her luck too far.
“What is it?” he asked.
“Well, now that I have no baby again, I want to get Kiki back and take her with me.”
The room went silent.
“For what na?” Toshiba asked. “Kidnap? Me I nor fit do dat one o.”
“Not really kidnapping.” Marie stood up and stretched. “I have a plan…”
“What plan?” Toshiba was incensed.
Marie smiled. “Just trust me. Udo, block your number and give me your phone.”
“Chi-chi, mai’n kuma?” Ato asked.
“Relax, big brother. Everything will be fine. I just want my baby back.”
“You don’t see the risk you’re putting all of us into, Mine?” Toshiba said in annoyance.
Marie took Udoka’s phone from her. “I do see it, yes, but wouldn’t you do everything to have your child in your arms?”
“I don’t a give a fu…”
“Kiki’s yours, Toshi. She’s not Jimi’s,” Marie revealed casually, dialing Alhaja.
“What…did you say?” Toshiba’s expression was one of a stunned man.
“You can get shocked later. Now, let’s get our daughter back.”
They were quiet as she put the phone on speaker. But Marie had not expected what she heard next. The first thing to hit her ears was Kiki’s cry and she drew back, almost dropping the phone.
“Hello?” Alhaja Nnenna’s voice came on. Marie lost her nerves. “Hello? Hello? Who is on the line?”
Unable to trust her voice, Marie cleared her throat before she spoke.
“Mo…Mommy?”
The response was silence and then they heard a distortion like Alhaja’s phone hitting hard surface. Marie fell into her chair as tears pooled into her eyes.
“I can’t…” she whispered, unable to breathe well.
“I can’t do this.”
©Sally @moskedapages
Translations:
não(Portuguese): No
mai’n kuma? (Hausa): what is it again? Or what again?
ya tafi (Hausa): he’s gone

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Energize Your Thoughts

“If you’ll not settle for anything less than your best, you will be amazed at what you can accomplish in your lives.” ~Vince Lombardi

Have you been told that your goal is not reachable? Have you been told that your ideas are stupid? Have you been told that you have to have money to go places? Have you been told that there is no possible way you can be a success. Have been told that you are crazy? If you believe any of those or any other phrases like that you are settling for mediocrity. What I want to tell you today is that you don’t have to settle. Settling is a choice. It was Erma Bomberk who said “When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything…

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Crush or Love? Episode X

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Emeka Douglass

The shrieking door bell and buzzing phone in planned union told me Chi-Chi was not just at the door, she was fiery furious. Soon she came around my window and called out my name. I laid down waiting for her to go.
“Matthew, where is his?” she asked the young man at the gate, the annoyance registered in her clipped tone.
I never see am dis morning Ma” he replied, intimidated.
“Tell him to call me immediately he comes back” she said in absolute irritation. I knew the argument we were going to have; ‘why would you miss Mass and why in the world would you refuse to pick your wife’s call?’ I could hear her loud voice in my head already. Perhaps I was just overreacting because I had found Funke or I was just depressed, most probably because the wedding will make the tabloids and would be another milestone reached between both families. Cementing relationships!
She brought her car alive and drove out minutes later, after repeating herself to the young man at the gate. I called him after a while.
Yes Sir, Madam don go” he answered promptly as I asked him if Chi-Chi was gone from the window.
“She is not yet Madam” I corrected in obvious annoyance before I realized who I was talking too. It pissed me off when everyone called her my wife or madam when we had not been introduced! The effrontery!
“I am sorry sir” he apologized. I headed to the bathroom for a hot bath. Seeing Funke today was not an option. It was an absolute necessity. I had to get answers and I was going to get them.
Pulling a white T-Shirt over my head and dragging up a pair of jeans, I took a look in the mirror and admired my abs. Rolling up my sleeves and donning my shoes, I grabbed my car keys and headed to her house in high determined hopes and inexplicable excitement, one which I had not felt in a very long time.
****
Funke Dayo

The scene I had just witnessed played again in my head as I drove home in high speed. I needed a cold soak and music to calm my jagged nerves. The duo obviously had issues and while it was sad that U.D and I might be over even before we started, I gave myself “brain” as Bisi will always say, wondering briefly how she was doing.
I drove in just in time to see Emeka come out of his car, my breath catching in my throat. I caught on my brakes and made to reverse out but the old gate man had rolled the large metal gate closed. I stilled and took deep breaths to steady my mixed emotions. It felt good to see him, determined to bury the hatchet but it felt absolutely painful to see the man who ………, he interrupted my private thoughts.
“Hello” he said, as a stranger would. I was on guard. The problem with having nice but nosy neighbor was having to keep your shit in your pant! I had to not let them witness this shit that was about hitting the roof.
I came down with contained anger and an unexplained feeling akin to fear. I was afraid to forgive him. I strengthened my resolve. There was no lost love here. It was over, I reassured myself.
“What are you doing here?” I asked. Displaying no emotion, I stared at him in the face. Dressing in white T-Shirts and pair of Jeans, I admired his lean strong abs but kept my eyes on his. He was all I ever wanted and was shocked to find out that I still wanted him. I swallowed painfully at the realization that I had unconsciously dated and had intimate one-nightstands with men that were built like him; but none ever gave me the satisfaction I thoroughly sought for. I grew hot in the face.
“I came to see you” he said, settling his eyes on mine. I fought to stay angry.
“I told you to leave me alone. There is nothing to talk about” I said stubbornly, going to key my door. Why on earth did U.D make that announcement? I’d have been at the Odiete’s!
“We have a lot to talk about” he insisted in his usual calm voice. I opened the door and without invitation, he followed, closing the door after him. I swallowed. I was alone with him. The thought was disturbing.
“We don’t…..” I tried to blow hot air, turning to run into him.
“I was foolish. I was selfish. I panicked but I am truly sorry. For leaving you, for leaving us” he said taking my hand and holding it delicately. I brushed him off and made to go to my room. He grabbed my upper arm.
“You had your say and you are right never to forgive me but I need to apologize” and with that, almost in a flash, he was on his knees, his head resting on my hands. I felt myself go weak and the pain shattering like fine china into a million pieces. I stilled my eyes, resisting the dam that was threatening to burst.
“Don’t, don’t, please don’t….” And I sniffed back the tears that had flooded my throat. Standing up, he gently pulled me into his strong arms, the very same I longed for. His sweet male scent filled my nose, his strong chest so comforting. I knew I belonged here. The old memories surfaced and I pulled myself from his arms with all the strength I could mutter..
“Please you need to leave now” I said, braving a look at him, willing him to leave and never come back but at the same time, willing him to pull me back into his arms and never let me go again. I saw his jaws twitched and in a split second I knew which of my thoughts had permeated.
“I can’t” he said roughly before hauling into his arms, a second hesitation before covering my lips with his. The memory of our first kiss bursting from the dam I had stored it for 10 years and I cried into his mouth as he deepened the kiss. My heart pulsating, his beating so fast. I broke free.
“I am getting married in August. I can’t do this. Stay away” I said, without thinking I picked my car keys that had fallen to the floor and literally ran out of the house. I had sworn never to forgive him but I couldn’t stay mad any longer. Whether right or wrong, well-thought out or not, I was taking up U.D on his offer.
He followed in pursuit as I drove out in a hurry, I saw him enter his car and reverse out of the compound as I raced back to U.D to accept his proposal.
****
Bassey Odiete
Funke stood rooted to the spot, her eyes so wide and mouth ajar, she stared down at me as I threw the syringe with the half empty content few steps away from where I lay on U.D’s stiff body. I sprang up, sweating, momentarily confused.
“You killed him” she said, just above a whisper.
“I didn’t. I swear. He came at me and we started struggling” I said afraid yet calm.
“He is dead! You killed him” she said, her eye watering, voice reaching the ceiling. Immediately, a thought formed and I eyed the white hand towel that smelt like it was soaked with halothane on the floor. She ran to the body and knelt beside him, shaking him.
“U.D, U.D!! Please! Please wake up. I will marry you” she was crying now and shaking him vigorously.
“Funke, I didn’t. He came at me” I said, using my leg to drag the cloth before picking it up. I advanced slowly. She shook him some more, pulling out her phone.
“What are you doing?” I asked suspiciously eyeing her.
“I am calling an ambulance” she shouted fumbling for her phone. In quick succession, I grabbed her and pressed the cloth firmly against her nose. I felt her tense and she struggled, fighting with all her might. She begged with her eyes as they closed against their ability to stay open. I picked up the syringe, took deep breaths to calm my nerves right before pushing the remaining content of the syringe into her neck too. I waited; trudging the length of my room and cursing them both. U.D wanted me dead and Funke was a witness. She was going to be spill and I had to keep her quiet.
With two bodies, I had to form another plan. Carrying U.D to his room, I stripped him and lay him in bed. I was sweating, heart beating so fast, I cursed him yet again.
“You wanted to kill me over a woman!” I muttered under my breath times without number as I set up his room for the plan I had. Scattering his room, I looked around just one more time before going to the second phase of my plan.
Carrying Funke’s body, I stripped her naked and lay her strategically on him. Cleaning my fingerprints from the injection, I placed it in hers and looked at them one last time before I went to change my shirt and call Idris from the gate. I needed an alibi and he was going to be one.
****
“Idris! Idris!! Call the hospital. Get the Ambulance” I called loudly in obvious distress.
“Sir” he answered, running in his usual fashion, punching his phone and following me on my heels.
Almost in a run, he called the stationed ambulance driver at the gatehouse to get the car around and bring in the stretcher. He was going to need another I thought as I jumped the stairs and flung the double leaf door leading to U.D’s wing of the house. He followed suit. Opening the main entrance to U.D’s sitting area, I stepped aside to let him in.
“Subahanallah!!!” he exclaimed, taking another look before looking at me with eyes filled with questions I was never going to answer.
“I thought I heard noise about some thirty minutes ago but didn’t take it as anything, coming over to get his car keys for a drive, I knocked and when he didn’t answer after a couple of minutes, I came in to see them like this” I calmly informed and at the same time looking disturbed.
“Sir, are they alive?” he asked, looking at the duo with great concern.
“I have no idea. Where is Joshua!!!??” I shouted.
“Yes Sir” it was Joshua and the old lady Nurse. They both exclaimed as they saw the naked bodies. The Nurse rushed to cover their nakedness and Joshua made to get another stretcher. Idris was on the phone, asking that the family doctor be in the hospital, an emergency he continued. My heart pounded and I poured out in sweat regretting the bickering and the game of who the ladies loved! All our lives, we had competed for attention and now, it was the reason I had killed him.
“She is Alive. She is breathing” the Nurse shouted, almost in an uproar and cutting into my thoughts. She signaled me to help her carry the already dressed body. I stood momentarily confused. She had stopped breathing! How possible was it that she was now breathing? I asked myself, panicking.
“Help me carry her” she shouted as Joshua and Idris arrived with another stretcher. I watched as they hurdled the bodies on the stretchers and wheeled them out. What was to become of me now?
Was she is going to tell the world I killed my brother? It was going to be my word against hers. I had an alibi, she had none. Or did I?
I gave an evil grin as another thought formed.
“I am coming to the hospital. Idris inform father of what has happened” I said jumping into my car.
I had to make sure she doesn’t wake up. There was no way I was going to allow her to spill.
It was the only way
****

Till next week! Will he succeed? Is U.D really dead? Drop your comments and share!

Have a great weekend!

The Flight

And it is here!
The First of online Humor Series from AfricanLoveStories.Com, It is @itsUnclestephen!
But not so fast, He needs your vote to win the Nigerian Blog Award of the year for the Best Humor Blog. I have voted, you should too. Here is the link http://nigerianblogawards.com/vote2013.php. Click and Vote for The Home of Humor Stories in the category of the Best Humor Blog! Voila, you are done. Do support!
Have a good laugh ….and thank me later.
Cheers

THE FLIGHT BY UNCLE STEPHEN

The problem with doing something for the first time is that….
Most people, instead of asking questions and getting directions, prefer to form….
Sometimes, it’s a far better approach, Cos when u ask, niggas end up making u look like an idiot!
For instance,
U meet someone on the road and you are Like “bros, pls which way is so so and so close,”
And he’s like “wen u go front u take the first left….. Not the right o, the first left..u will see one first bank there, abi u know first bank?”
In my mind am Like,No I don’t know first bank… I know 3rd bank…. Nonsense!
I experienced something similar, when I eventually got a Job, and dey decided to take me abroad for training…..
Wooohooooooo!!!!!!! Right?
I pray….
Me wen neva enter plane before…..
My first time come b international flight…
How I wan use do?
Worse still was that, I knew NADA about wat happens in an airport.
I pass by it regularly,but wetin wan kari me go der.. Wen d Young shall grow motors still dey?
N2500 to owerri……
N4000 to abuja…
To make it even “worster” if derz sumfin like dat!
D people preparing me for the Journey just assumed dat as a bad guy! I sabi every..
I could not start falling their hand by asking ‘em some foolish questions like
“Bros! How e dey be if d plane wan move…”
The day drew closer with dread and excitement for me….
I mean who no go happy to go abroad?
My parents prayed for me eh!
Rubbed me enuff olive oil, whilst Casting,binding and tearing any evil wen wan stop their pikin from reachin away…
Thank God I don’t barb gorimakpa!
D effect plus d olive oil fit make dem turn me back for airport for “overshining of head”.
The protocol guys took me to the airport, showed me where to check in pointed out to me where I was going to be searched before being allowed to go through, as most asian countries had a death penalty for anyone caught with drugs in their country…
Death ke?
Omo abeg I asked if paracetamol was part of drugs, cos I had a sachet stuffed in my suit pocket!
Yes dats right!!!!! I wore a suit (??? ) ….with jeans sha!
Na wa for u oh!
I gast look like “no be today we don dey travel out na?”
**in american accent**
I been to the states,
Last week I was in the local government, nigga please we do dis shii errytime.
Omo, U need see ma face when dem dey search my bags.
I fear cos I mean, my face no good to show for crime fighters na…
I was hugely relieved when they asked for the next person and I locked ma box!
Walked straight to check-in like say no be today!
Got ma tickets like say no be today!
Walked to the place where the immigration people were like say no be today too..
One woman, looking at me, and deeming me learned in airport activities, even stopped me to ask me for directions somewhere and I directed her like say no be today cos one of the protocol guys had mentioned the place to me earlier….
As I scaled all the immigration brouhaha
And all their “fine boy,na so u wan leave us for this country go? Find us something na, give us some dollars.”
Dollars ke? I just dey go ni
I arrived at the waiting Lounge for departure,
I must note here that Nigerians can form…
My Gad!!!!
Especially babes…
D kind of things dey wear if dem wan travel, for doz of us who it was our first time, u’ll almost think mid way in the air, the pilot will announce “Legoooooo its time for parrie!!!!!!, and all d plane seats will fold backwards giving us space to rock d life outta ourselves”
Guess dat only happens on soul plane abi?
From d miniest of gowns to the make-up omo mehn! At a point even wif all ma suiting up, I felt like they would be angry and either throw me off the plane or make me start serving tea…
A voice came over the p.a and made an announcement…
All of a sudden everyone was getting on their feet and lining up…
Na me 1 carry last?
Nna I lined up too….
It was actually time to board d plane…
See eh!
Even when I was walking to the plane
If person tell u say na ma first time u no go gree…
But as I approached d plane? I saw the air hostesses looking at a particular paper each passenger had and directing them somewhere!
It was when I was almost close I realised they would check ur ticket and motion u in the direction your seat would be.
I quickly retrieved mine.
when the Oyibo hostess looked at my ticket and said “wghygvuyreaspotginthvnedt dis way mr stephen, enjoy ur flight” indicated d direction I was to go to, only God saved me from saying eh!?
Na there I for use fall ma hand cos behind me wia two cuties who must have landed str8 from heaven for d flight
I got to my seat.
They usually keep an earphone with which u can watch movies on d screen, right in front of you, together with a blanket, just incase you get too cold during the journey! Sorry joor flight! Na local be Journey!
I arranged maself.
I came onboard d flight with Just a school bag,containing my Lappy! I stowed it on top of me and settled in my seat!
That’s when I noticed,
Dat all around me, der wasn’t a single black person on the flight…
I mean white people everywhere
I saw some black people pass but none of them settled in any seat around me..
Like say dem say make all d black people go back!
I come dey wonder whether I neva sitdon d wrong place
Now d question na who I go ask?
How I go use ask?
“Sorry, ehm excuse am I supposed to be seating here?”
Chai!
The devil with his little fork and the angel in all his whiteness appeared on ma shoulder like dey usually do In times like dis
“Stevoooooo” d devil said “na so dem go take comot u for dis plane? Afta all man for ur area don hear say u dey travel? My guy jejeje dey go back”
“Stephen, my son, dis seat thou seatest on is thine divine inheritance, from time immemorial, it has been ordained unto thee,be not quick to let it go!”. The angel replied!
To make matters worse,
One oyibo guy came near ma seat and was lookin at it like guy stand up? But den continued on…..
Being a christian,plus all d olive oil dem rub me for house, I decided the seat was my divine inheritance (??? )
I noticed then, dat airplanes had seat belts
I mean, I see it in the movies but real life seat belt,
Everyone was fixing theirs in place
U had to put it round u instead of across u like in cars
And put it inside somewhere and drag it…
Omo! I have never watched people do something more carefully like dat in my life!
Then I picked it up
Crossed it around me waist
And as I was about to put it in I heard
“Mumu no be like dat”
Azzin Oyibo wen dey speak pidgin?
But of course it wasn’t
Twas d stupid devil voice in my head!
“Thou art on the right path” replied the angel!
I wondered why he spoke in KJV na wa….
By now most of the people sitting around me had noticed, I was just holding the seat belt and waiting, omo no time! I took a leap of faith lifted something up and put the other end in… And I heard it click!
**Praiiseeeeeeeee Ye Jesus!
The lord hath redeemed me from all shame
He casteth my enemies away!
He hath uplifted me
He fallest not mine hands in the midst of my enemies!**
I thank God we don’t talk dis way aswear!
Cos niggas would be like
“I solomon son of david son of nathan son of joachim sayest unto thee… Thou art truly a fair maiden”
just to say baby ur fine….bleeeeh!
Back to the matter…
Don’t open and close anythin, attempt to touch ur toes or worse still open dat cavity!
Everyone was turning the screen in front of them on.
I did the same…
It was touch screen with a remote control affixed to the underside of the screen
I mean who doesn’t know how to operate a touch screen right?
The answer to that question dat day was me!
I turned It on,
It showed various options information,communication,entertainment hence d name ICE…
God knows I pressed the big E on the screen indicating entertainment..
Nothing happened…
I looked at my seat partner a white young woman, probably french or so, as she pressed the same E? And it showed her various options!
I pressed it again…NO SHOW
I began to think maybe no be really my seat be dis oh!
Pressed it again! … The E seemed to get bigger and shine brighter like “my guy, bone I no dey show anything”
The lady beside me seeing me in distress,
Stretched her hand and pressed dat same E, d same way I was pressing it, with the same finger I was using and it changed….
I turned, smiled at her dat kain smile when u know say u don fall ur hand.. Am sure I was lookin like a FOOL and said “thanks”
To which she replied “OUI monsieur”
In my mind am like ur father oui! Nonsense (??? ) but I kept smiling nevertheless
Abi the thing don change,
Now na to press am again select the movie I want!
I prayed d Lord’s prayer as I slowly stretched my finger to Life of PI whose trailer was on the screen!
No time to attempt scrolling the list of movies on the side…
To press never work na scrollin wan work?
As I outstretched my finger, it seemed everyone in the plane stopped breathing…
I closed my eyes as my hands impacted the screen…
After like 5seconds or eternity I can’t remember now, I opened my eyes and the movie had started playin!

?(?^?)? (?^?)/ ?(???)? ?(???)?. ?(???)? (~’,’)~
*in Gino’s voice* No be God?
I woke up from my sleep!
Someone had tapped me,
But no fear,
I was still on the plane…
I personally,made sure it was no dream! Because I for too vex for who wake me.
if na wen winsh dey pursue person
Nobody go come wake u!
But anytime u dey dream better ting
Awon werey go come wake person!
My french friend had woken me up
They were about serving food,
Correct!
I remembered seeing a paper that contained what they would be serving inflight!
You could have any drinks you wanted, except champagne which you had to pay for.
I looked at the menu
I was lost!
My brothers n sisters,
Nothing der was close to what we usually had @home… No eba and soup,even d rice der had some funny names beside it! I began doubting if it was another food spelt the same way or it was d same rice I knew!
On looking closely,I realised it was just appetiser first! Looked like tea or something!
The air hostess kept rollin the platform containing the food, stopping seat by seat, inquiring what they wanted.
As they came closer to my seat, my heart began beating faster,and I zoned out.
I was brought back to reality by a voice,
Sonorous voice I must say,
If dem beg u sometin wit dis kind voice u can’t say No
I opened my eyes! They wia beside me
“Tea or Coffee sir?” She inquired
Don’t know why but my first response was coffee!
Thinking it would end there, the next question almost floored me,
“Black or white?”
I hear them ask dis questions in movies but I’ve never bothered to find out which was which
“Black” I responded
“Yes” d devil shouted gleefully!
Oya put d black one for cup na! Make I drink sleep she asked!
“Cream or No cream!”
In my Imagination, I saw her opening a bottle of pears baby Lotion or even revlon lotion and pouring inside, so I abruptly blurted out
No Cream biko!
“Sugar or No sugar!”
Easy right?
I still replied No sugar!
Smh!
They gave me d most bitter cup of liquid I had ever tasted! Even more bitter than the local agbo one of my neighbours oropo used to give me during service at abeokuta.
Na me wan carry last? I took a gulp
And did aaaaaah! Like when u drink cold coke!
The lady beside me asked “nice right?”
“Wonderful” I responded with that same smile from before….
After a time,
They started serving food!
After lookin through the menu and seeing only gibberish! I was wondering what I would do.
Excitement say I dey travel abroad no even gree me chop food for house before I move!
I Looked at that menu again!
Rice with God knows what sauce
Rassma rasmasa an indian special
Fried shit spiced with mess…dey could as well have put that (??? ) cos I no undastand wetin dem dey write there….
They came to my table,
The french woman picked hjedsuwtoppphdeyhnj with vegetables,
And d waitress smiled at her and said “excellent choice”.
The food is usually sealed in a foil
But around it u still have some other stuffs like a cup, some chocolates etc.
D waitress then turned to me and asked “what will you be having sir?”
Hian!
Na me no go make excellent choice?
Abeg gimme d same thing
Their father!!!!!!
She smiled at me.
I think they are taught to do dat now am tinking of it
Am sure if I had said “baba e!!!” in yoruba, Which means ur father,she would have also replied excellent choice!
My french neighbour decided to start with the chocolates….
Me wen hunger wan fire my life
No time I opened the food to reveal what was inside!
GHEN GHEN
GHEN GHEN GHEN GHEN
Trust me it was rice… D problem was rice and what?
Inside the foil, I saw a whole lotta vegetables,grassy lookin things and one green looking kinda sauce with raw tomato, and a whole lotta things I had never seen before….
Shet!
Me wen dey sabi select food.
I dint even know wia to start from mehn!
I quietly and slowly poured and drank Juice trying to form deep interest in d movie I was watching, all in a bid to allow ma french friend start the eating make I see as them dey do am!
She finished,
And started eating hers
I could see obvious satisfaction on her face…
So me sef bone na!
Packed rice and a lot more grass and tomato and shii.
As it entered my mouth and I attempted chewing,
Instantly, my Imaginations endowed me with horns…
I could literally feel them protruding from the top of my head as I chewed all the grass….
At this point am sure if someone had attempted to insult me and call me a goat, if I tried responding all that would come out from my mouth would be
“Mmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” like a goat!
But I don start na, no be so
I shoved more grass,tomato and rice into my mouth, using the Juice to better the taste, whilst smiling like say I dey chop my favorite ewa-agoyin
The madam beside me, seeing my smile, assumed I was enjoying the meal as she asked “wonderful right?”
I was so pained. Eh! Na u put me for dis wahala indirectly dey ask me wonderful.
I dint know wen I responded “nna gi der”
“Eh?” She said
“Excellent” I replied like those phony air hostesses
I thought the worst was over,
Until few minutes to landing as the P.A announced, I heard a familiar rumbling in my stomach!
GHEN GHEN
My system obviously tailored over the years to understand our normal food was saying “Bros hafa na? wetin be dis wen u give us now, we no want again, abeg take am back”
The rumbling grew louder
I silently prayed no one else was hearing it.
The plane Landed, and I Hurried out although careful to break my fast steps with some slow ones make the thing no fall out
Sharperly Located the airport toilet,
And mehn! I made it Rain!
Varying sounds were emanating from me, simultaneously raising the temperature of the men’s room.
After some 10 mins or so
I breathed the sweet air of freedom (shatap! D toilet wasn’t smelling (??? ) )
Y’all know this feeling right?
Pure BLISS
I had an interconnecting flight to catch in 25 mins or so…
I tidied myself up
Stood up to flush when I encountered another problem…
Where to press to flush!
This Oyibo people
Make normal toilet dem no go gree.
I was left staring at a toilet I dint know where to touch to flush.
(A picture of this toilet is at the end of this post!)
It had an obvious lever to the right dat seemed like dat was it. But I tried it and it did not work.
I just stood there dumbfounded!
There were voiced in d mens room no doubt waiting to see the face of this person who had made so much noise in the toilet.
Not flushing seemed wrong.
Not in this beautiful city.
I stood there wondering what to do
I had resigned to fate and shame and as I closed the Lid, I heard dat familiar flushing sound!
**in testifying ibo woman’s voice**
BredLen join me and thank d rod! because he has savedu me from shame!
T’onu chineke! Eeeeeeee
I walked out to see all the faces looking at me like “oh bros na u?”
In my heart I was like ” he who hath not shitteth,messeth nor produced such sounds from thine hind place before,should cast the first stone”
Nonsense!
15mins later,
I checked into my next 6hours flight now like a pro
Boarded,
Settled into my seat.
Using that toilet had drained me so I just wanted to rest….
I closed my eyes to sleep
And I was awoken with a familiar voice
Another air hostess again
Asking me, sir what will you be having
“Abcdefgh with ijklmno and Juice
Or
Pqrstu with vwxyz and Juice”

In My mind am like You people again?
Once beaten twice shy
Aint having the abc or pqr whatever
No be my career una go kill
Cos if I chop anything again
Release inside this plane
Headline news straight
“Nigerian Humour writer,crashes plane with toxic fumes from his behind”
I looked at her,
“Nne biko give me water eh! Just water
Not black nor white, without cream and without sugar
God bless you!”

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Uncle Stephen
@itsUnclestephen
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THE MYSTIC TOILET
The Mystic Toilet